IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part-time job in their free time. What are the advantages and disadvantages of it's effect on a child.

#children #parents #job #time #effect #child
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent years, a lot of parents
nudge
Wrong verb form
have nudged
show examples
 their children to have a part-
time
job
 in their free
time
. Some people have been discussing whether
this
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 some positive or negative influence on a child. In
this
 essay, there is a more persuasive argument that the advantages of a part-
time
job
 overshadow the potential disadvantages. On the one hand, taking a part-
time
job
 could present two challenges for young people.
Firstly
, it may distract them from their studies, as they may usually get overwhelmed with their
job
 responsibilities. To illustrate, because of a heavy workload,
which
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 is probable that they will end up devoting little to no
time
 to their education or even to ignore their school assignments.
As a result
, they might face difficulty with what they
learned
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
, which leads to worse academic grades.
Secondly
, young people might lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
time
 even if they distinguish the right
time
 balance between their school activities and work life. considering that they normally should spend around seven or eight hours a day at school. because of
this
, they will probably have limited freedom to explore their non-academic interests, spend
time
 with family and friends or even have personal
time
,
such
 poor- work-life balance could jeopardise their physical and mental well-being.
On the other hand
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would argue that getting a part-
time
job
 gives them a more benefit for children. it enables them to gain
experiencein
Correct your spelling
experience in
experience
avariety
Correct your spelling
a variety
variety
 of jobs, which can be valuable to them at a later stage in life.
For example
, by being exposed to a real work environment, they can get the chance to learn a number of skills
such
 as
time
 management, communication and personal responsibility.
As a result
, they can easily obtain their dream jobs since most companies nowadays prefer employees who have
numerous
Fix the agreement mistake
a lot of
show examples
 experience.
Submitted by garim4645 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay. While the introduction did introduce the topic, it could be clearer in reflecting the specific points that will follow.
introduction conclusion present
Provide a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed and presents a clear stance. This will ensure that the essay feels complete and cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistent use of capital letters, especially at the beginning of sentences and for pronouns like 'I'. This attention to detail contributes to the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
task achievement
Address both the advantages and disadvantages in balanced detail; ensure that each point is thoroughly explored with relevant examples. This will enhance the depth of your discussion and provide a more robust argument.
task achievement
The essay discusses both advantages and disadvantages, giving a balanced view of the argument. This showcases a comprehensive approach to the topic.
supported main points
The use of examples, such as the impact of part-time jobs on students' academic performance and skill acquisition, adds relevance and supports the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The argument structure is generally logical, with each paragraph focusing on specific aspects (challenges in the first body paragraph and benefits in the second).

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work experience
  • time management
  • responsibility
  • teamwork
  • financial skills
  • independence
  • self-reliance
  • balancing work and school
  • stress and burnout
  • academic performance
  • extracurricular activities
  • hobbies
  • socializing
  • overall development
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: