IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give it all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some college
students
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 have the desire to learn about other subjects
in addition
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 to their main subjects;
however
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, others aren’t keen on believing that some can do
both
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, and
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instead
Add a comma
instead,
show examples
 they should
focus
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 on their major. In my opinion, I believe that they can do
both
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, and in
this
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 essay, I will shed light as to why. On the one hand,
students
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 who are studying at highly respected universities have a higher chance of being motivated.
For example
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, if two
students
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 are taken into comparison, one studying at Yale
while
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 the other seeks education at an unknown school in the ghettos, the
student
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 studying in the Upper East Side would be more motivated to work hard and take more relevant and irrelevant classes to their major. If the Yale
student
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 is majoring in international relations, they are more likely to take classes involving community service, etc.
However
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, the
student
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 studying in the poorly funded school will not be motivated to take extra classes,
thus
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 ultimately failing in life and not enjoying their university years fully.
On the other hand
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,
students
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 with mental issues who have deficiencies
such
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 as ADHD are more likely to get distracted from their
studies
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 and
focus
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 on more irrelevant subjects,
thus
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 ultimately failing in their selected courses.
Thus
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, those who suffer from
such
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 deficiencies are best advised to not involve themselves in multi-majors and are not keen on being distracted from their
studies
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. So, when a
student
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 who has a history of getting unfocused on their
studies
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 wants to do voluntary hours, their advisor would forbid them from doing so.   In conclusion, it is safe to say that,
although
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 it is a good option to
focus
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 on voluntary hours, it is
also
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 very important to
focus
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 on your GPA and
overall
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 score in universities. In my opinion, as a
student
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 myself, I tend to
focus
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 on my volunteering hours more than my
studies
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;
however
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, I always have time for
both
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.
Thus
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, if
students
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 can concentrate on
both
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, why not allow them to do
both
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?

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introduction
Your introduction clearly lays out the two perspectives and states your opinion. However, it is somewhat lacking in depth. You can improve this by making the thesis statement more specific.
balanced discussion
The essay needs a more balanced discussion. A deeper exploration of the advantages of focusing solely on one’s major is necessary to provide a balanced perspective.
avoid generalizations
Ensure that the essay avoids generalizations and stereotypes. For instance, the comparison between a Yale student and a student from a poorly funded school features assumptions that can be misleading.
formal tone
Try to use a more formal tone and academic language where appropriate. This will enhance the overall quality and persuasiveness of your essay.
structure
The essay has a clear structure, with identifiable introductions and conclusions, which helps guide the reader effectively.
confidence examples handlers
Your argument is presented with confidence and backed up with examples, such as the reference to Yale and mental health issues, which demonstrate an attempt to engage the reader and provide evidence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Broaden
  • Perspectives
  • Specialize
  • Critical thinking
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Career success
  • Interdisciplinary connections
  • Structured path
  • Clear goals
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Academic credibility
  • Recognition
  • Balance
  • Exploring
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