Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

Shopping is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
pastime for many young generations. As a youth, I admit it. Shopping is
such
an activity that can make
people
feel
relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
show examples
from everything that
disturb
Change the verb form
disturbs
show examples
them.
However
, it is
stil
Correct your spelling
still
important to
doing
Change the form of the verb
do
show examples
other useful activities. For young
people
, shopping can be a way to express how they love themselves or as a reward. By doing shopping,
people
can
temporary
Change the adjective
temporarily
show examples
get out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
their work. Sometimes
people
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
just
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
around at a department store, seeing the products they want
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
without buying
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
In other words
, shopping is not always
spending
Change preposition
about spending
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money but
also
making
Change preposition
about making
show examples
people
happy and feel
refresh
Wrong verb form
refreshed
show examples
. To illustrate,
buy
Wrong verb form
buying
show examples
something that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
really want
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
can make them
relieve
Wrong verb form
relieved
show examples
from stress.
On the other hand
,
people
must bear in
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
mind
if
Correct word choice
that
show examples
shopping is not everything. They can make shopping more valuable.
For example
, the things that we shop
Change preposition
for is
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
not always our needs but just our impulsivity. Because of that,
people
easily get bored by the things that have bought.
Thus
, they can donate or give it
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
those who more need it.
In other words
, shopping is not only an activity that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
the shopper happy but
also
can be meaningful for others.
In addition
, the shopper can try other things
such
as going around because it is
also
can
make
Verb problem
give
show examples
them
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
some fresh air and it
is have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
good impacts like shopping. To summarise, shopping is a shape of
appreciate
Change the verb form
appreciating
show examples
themselves. But, the shopping activity can be more useful if they want to share
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
others.
Moreover
, I highly recommend
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
likes
Correct subject-verb agreement
like
show examples
shopping to do some other
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
like reading or doing sports.
Submitted by wishmeluck  on

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task achievement
Try to develop your arguments more fully by providing more detailed examples and explanations. This will help to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Focus on ensuring that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your supporting sentences consistently relate to this central point.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the flow of your essay by using a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases and conjunctions, to link your ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
You've done a good job of introducing the topic and presenting a clear opinion on it.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and offers a recommendation, which is a strong way to end the essay.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pastime
  • encouraged
  • useful activities
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • sense of accomplishment
  • satisfaction
  • social interaction
  • bonding
  • escaping
  • daily routine
  • stress
  • instant gratification
  • pleasure
  • keeping up
  • trends
  • fashion
  • exploring
  • products
  • experiences
  • boosting
  • self-confidence
  • supporting
  • local businesses
  • economy
  • discovering
  • personal style
  • preferences
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