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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, howevr, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #parents #children #members #society #howevr #school #place
Society has different views about the responsibility of disciplining
children
, some people think it relies on the parent and the family environment,
while
 others believe that school plays the biggest part in creating more efficient community members.
This
 essay will discuss both opinions. On the one hand, there are various reasons why some people justifiably argue about the
significance
Replace the word
significant
show examples
 impact of
parents
 on producing well-mannered individuals.
Children
 are prone to listen to
parents
 who are authoritative in the house,
for example
,
children
 will be reluctant to do wrong actions based on their prior fear of getting punished by their
parents
.
Secondly
, youngsters have an emotional bond with their
parents
,
therefore
, it makes guidance easier and more acceptable to
children
.
For instance
, the safe space that
parents
 provide for their
children
 to be vulnerable and express their worries,
Hence
,
parents
 can give timely advice, which is one of the most critical factors in deterring
children
 from going down the wrong path.
On the other hand
, another group claims that to form
children
's characters, schools are the best place to contribute.
Children
 spend a tremendous amount of time in school,
therefore
, teachers can be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
second
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 to students and
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them the rights and wrongs in every aspect of life.
Also
, teachers can be more strict than
parents
due to
 the emotional connection a child and a parent have.
Moreover
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
attending various types of classes that may fruit in a child's choice of career and life path,
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is beneficial to
children
 in becoming well-rounded individuals in the future.
To conclude
, in my opinion, schools play a vital role in educating
children
 and discovering their professional inclinations.
Parents
 play the same role in different ways for
children
's growth.
As a result
, we should keep both methods to ensure that
children
 get a comprehensive education and guidance.
Submitted by Ayreen🍒 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each body paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point to be discussed.
task achievement
Try to avoid repetitive vocabulary and phrases. Instead, use a wider range of synonyms to demonstrate lexical resource.
task achievement
Proofread to eliminate minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, such as 'the significance impact' and 'therefore, it makes guidance easier.'
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the discussion well by clearly stating the topic and the two viewpoints to be discussed.
task achievement
The essay covers both viewpoints adequately and provides a clear opinion in the conclusion, fulfilling the task requirements.
task achievement
Examples and reasoning given in each paragraph support the main points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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