Nowadays, marketers have left no stone unturned to entice customers. Certain fast food companies and restaurants now tie up with schools to endorse their products, Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

These days,
merchandiers
Correct your spelling
merchandisers
are doing anything to allure their customers. Some fast food organisations. and brands cooperate with
schools
to support their Products. I think
this
is a negative
break through
Correct your spelling
breakthrough
show examples
;
this
.
essay
Add an article
the essay
show examples
discusses it briefly for the following reasons. To commence with, fast
foods
cause many adverse effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the population certainly, especially
children
because it has more chemicals for preserving products.
Fating
Correct your spelling
Eating
Junk
foods
can affect their academic
performances
Fix the agreement mistake
performance
show examples
because they might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
suffer
obesity
Change preposition
from obesity
show examples
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
early age, so they cannot
concenrate
Correct your spelling
concentrate
on their education.
For example
, take
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
nations, numerous
childrens
Correct your spelling
children's
children
and
teenager's
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers'
show examples
lunch boxes are filled with fast
foods
, they
Add a missing verb
are addict
show examples
addict
Wrong verb form
addicted
show examples
to
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
that,
thus
, overweight and
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
will be faced them.
Hence
, junk
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
companier
Correct your spelling
company
marketing will not the up with
schools
.
Furthermore
, Consuming fast
foods
frequently
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can affect
their
Change the word
the
show examples
health tremendously who teenagers and school students.
That is
, heart stroke, cancer, and Chronic diseases are brought school students eat. fast
foods
.
For instance
,
according to
the Statistics,
diabets
Correct your spelling
diabetes
type 2 can affect
children
too
due to
eating fast
foods
because they mix many toxic flavours and chemicals for taste,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
causes deadly diseases.
In other words
, fast
foods
Change the noun form
food
show examples
companies should not use
children
for their promotions
coupled with
enrich
Wrong verb form
enriching
show examples
customer
Fix the agreement mistake
customers
show examples
. In conclusion, fast food organisations Cooperate
worth
Correct your spelling
with
show examples
Schools
because of support their products but it causes numerous adverse effects to
children
such
ey a lack of academic performance
along with
obesity and deadly diseases.
Therefore
, I think
this
is a negative improvement to
cooperate
Wrong verb form
cooperating
show examples
with
schools
for
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
lures.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on improving grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. There's a frequent presence of run-on sentences and fragments that impede readability.
cohesion
Ensure coherence and cohesion by making more logical connections between points. Use linking words and phrases to create a smoother flow.
task response/Productivity/Organizer
Provide more specific and relevant examples that directly support the main arguments. This will strengthen your claims and add depth to your essay.
structure
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which gives it a solid structure.
task response
Main points are easy to identify and are consistently supported with relevant arguments.
task response
The writer addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of the issue, showing a balanced approach.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: