IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

people can be encouraged to live healthy through sporting events such as 0lympics or World Cup. Others think that there are more better ways to encourage adults for exercise. Discuss both views and state you opinion.

#people #events #world #cup #adults #exercise
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days,
youngsters
 indeed are
lazy
Rephrase
too lazy
show examples
 to do. physical
exercise
.
A certain
Correct the article-noun agreement
Certain
show examples
 individuals are concerned that
Correct article usage
the olympic
show examples
olympic
Change the capitalization
Olympic
show examples
 games and
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
world
Correct your spelling
World Cup
show examples
cup
 can
be motivated
Wrong verb form
motivate
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the population to live healthy lifestyles,
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
show examples
 others say that there are other superior methods to
endrose
Correct your spelling
encourage
adults
for doing
Verb problem
to
show examples
exercise
.
This
 essay discusses both viewpoints and I strongly agree with the latter opinion for the following reasons. On the one hand, watching Olympic and
world
Capitalize word
World
show examples
Cup
 matches can motivate
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the younger
generation
 to become fit because these
game's
Change noun form
games
show examples
Players
 are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
very fit
according to
 their sports. National
Players
 should
be maintained
Wrong verb form
maintain
show examples
 their health and body
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 very long Periods
while
 they do
lot
Add an article
a lot
show examples
 of physical
exerases
Correct your spelling
exercises
exercise
.
For example
, take
FIFA
Correct article usage
the FIFA
show examples
World
Cup
, all
countries
Change noun form
country's
countries'
show examples
players
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
must be very fit in order to they can run, and jump;
Youngsters
 should watch these kinds of games and get more
motivations
Fix the agreement mistake
motivation
show examples
 from
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Hence
,
adults
 will be healthy after watching Olympic and
world
Correct your spelling
World Cup
show examples
cup
 matches.
Conversely
, there are other ways to encourage the younger
generation
 to be healthy. Creating
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
towards
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of physical
exercise
's benefits to
adults
, and Conducting
Competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
Competition
show examples
 of
body builders
Correct your spelling
bodybuilders
show examples
",
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can help to they start to do physical
exercise
.
For instance
, the local authorities should conduct these
programs
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
every week throughout the nations, and
as a result
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngsters
 will maintain their By body in
healthy
Change the article
a healthy
show examples
 way regularly. Needless to say, creating
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
Programs
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 better solutions to
youngsters
. In conclusion, watching
Correct article usage
the dympics
show examples
dympics
Correct your spelling
Olympics
 and
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
world
Correct your spelling
World Cup
show examples
cup
 leads to
encourage
Change the verb form
encouraging
show examples
adults
 to become healthy because all the
players
 are
being
Verb problem
apply
show examples
healthy and very fit,
although
, creating
awamess
Correct your spelling
awareness
programs
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the younger
generation
 brings more
endrasement
Correct your spelling
encouragement
 to them to be healthy.
However
, in my opinion,
awarness
Correct your spelling
awareness
programs
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being healthy can bring numerous Potential
motivation
Fix the agreement mistake
motivations
show examples
 to the younger
generation
 to be healthy.
Submitted by reanudeepan on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance the **Task Response**, you need to ensure your essay fully and clearly addresses all parts of the question. While you did discuss both viewpoints, providing more detailed arguments for each side would strengthen your response. Additionally, consider providing a few more specific examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
For **Coherence and Cohesion**, work on improving the logical flow of your ideas. While your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, the transitions between points and paragraphs could be smoother. Using more cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
To improve the **logical structure**, it's important to ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas in the paragraph are well-organized. Avoid overly long sentences that can confuse the reader and instead break them into smaller, more digestible parts.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and a conclusion, which gives it a complete and rounded structure.
task achievement
You include viewpoints from both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: