Sending criminal to prison is not the best method of dealing with them. Education and job training are better ways to help them. Do you agree or disagree?
It is argued that jailing the lawbreakers is not the best strategy to deal with them rather the education and training for work would be beneficial to them. I strongly agree and
this
essay will explain my reasons.
First of all, majority
of the criminals are young persons aged between 20 to 40 years, Correct article usage
the majority
additionally
they are not unemployed. Add a comma
additionally,
This
makes them to be
idle and since Verb problem
apply
idle
mind is Add an article
the idle
Correct article usage
a devils
devils
workshop, they indulge in breaking the law in order to preoccupy their Change noun form
devils'
devil's
mind
. Fix the agreement mistake
minds
For instance
, a study conducted at the
Florida University in the UKCorrect article usage
apply
,
showed that 90% of men and women in prison had never gotten a chance to work in any company for the Remove the comma
apply
last
five years. This
explained that if they were empowered with a skill they would have opted for self employment
Add a hyphen
self-employment
instead
of going against the law.
Secondly
, the curriculum system allows one to chose
their talent Change the form of the verb
choose
incase
they are not performing well Correct your spelling
in case
with
the subjects. Change preposition
in
This
will curb the crime rates as people will concentrate on either indoor or outdoor activities that suits
their interests. Change the verb form
suit
For example
, in the village of Embu in Kenya, NGOs encourage youths to form different teams for competitions and the best team is rewarded heavily. This
promote
people Verb problem
encourages
in running
their day-to-day activities and Change preposition
to run
also
see the positive side of their life
.
In conclusion, I believe education and Fix the agreement mistake
lives
instilling
of a significant skill Correct article usage
the instilling
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
vital
role in helping Add an article
a vital
the
lawbreakers Correct article usage
apply
in stead
of taking them to Correct your spelling
instead
the
prison where they would be taught to commit other serious crimes.Correct article usage
apply
Submitted by janenjeru6 on
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Coherence
Ensure clarity and accuracy in your argument. Some sentences are unclear and contain grammatical errors, which detracts from the overall coherence. For example, 'additionally they are not unemployed' contradicts 'majority of the criminals... are unemployed' inferred from context.
Cohesion
Provide more structured paragraphs with clear topic sentences for each main point. This will improve the overall logical flow of your essay. For example, start the paragraph with a sentence that clearly states your main argument before supporting it with examples. This will enhance clarity and cohesion.
Language and Style
Include more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to avoid repetition and add depth to your essay. For instance, use transitional phrases to link sentences and ideas smoothly.
Introduction
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, which sets a clear direction for the essay.
Supporting Examples
The essay provides relevant examples to support the main points, such as the study conducted at Florida University and the village of Embu in Kenya.
Conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main arguments and restates the opinion clearly.