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Writing Samples
Band 6

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Well-qualified sports professionals earn more amount of money compared to other important professions. Some state that it is fair as it needs much mental strength to be a professional athlete as well and it is not a lifetime job. Meanwhile, others stand against it
due to
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 less freedom
on
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in
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 other occupations and lower salaries for those. On the one hand, some claim that professional athletes get paid the amount they deserve for their
work
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. One reason for
this
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 is, it takes much mental capacity to be a professional athlete. They need to follow a specific routine, which is much different from others. It includes
such
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 disciplinary acts as daily training, proper diet planning and recovery.
For example
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, famous professional soccer player Christiano Ronaldo recently revealed his daily routine, where he said he has some activity to do
in
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apply
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each second of the day. Another reason is that there is a much higher injury risk in athletes, despite of the sport they do professionally. Some injuries might en
ones
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one's
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 career.
Therefore
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, it might be fair enough to earn much
while
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 they still can to secure their future.
On the other hand
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, some state that professional athletes earn much more than they should be. One might say
this
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 because
of
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apply
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some critical
jobs
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 require more working hours and are not paid enough.
For instance
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, doctors have a much hectic working shifts and they get way below
of
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apply
show examples
what they deserve.
Moreover
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, many important occupations have strict time periods and it is mandatory for the employees to
work
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 in between them. Many of these
jobs
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 do not allow freedom for the workers. On top of that, they need to
work
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 for many years to achieve higher positions. In conclusion, some sports professionals earn higher salaries than other critical
jobs
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. Some believe it is fair as it requires mental strength
as well as
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 it has higher injury risks.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
show examples
 claim that professional sports personnel receiving a huge amount of money is unfair
due to
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 less freedom and more hectic
work
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 time in other important
jobs
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.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider using more transition words and phrases, which will help link your ideas more smoothly. For example, phrases like 'on the contrary,' 'in addition,' or 'moreover' can guide readers through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, make sure to include relevant examples in support of your points wherever possible. For example, adding specific instances or experiences of other professional sportspeople can strengthen your argument about the high risk of injury.
general
Avoid minor grammatical errors and typos, such as 'despite of' should be 'despite', and 'ones career' should be 'one's career.' Proofreading your essay before submission can help eliminate these errors.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion by exploring both viewpoints regarding the income of sports professionals.
task achievement
The inclusion of Cristiano Ronaldo's daily routine as an example is effective in illustrating the disciplined lifestyle of professional athletes.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a clear summary of the main points, which helps reinforce the arguments presented.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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