IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their product are new in some way, Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#businesses #emphasise #product #development
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These days, technology is developing really fast, and companies every time produce new
things
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, so they introduce them with publicity
also
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, saying
this
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 is new. because they want to have a
lot
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 of sales. In my opinion, It is a negative development because they are damaging the environment, and
people
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 waste their money. Unfortunately, most of the who
people
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 watch advertising like to buy new
things
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 for some reason.
Firstly
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, influencers, celebrities, and other
people
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 have these
devices
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 and they like to be the same as them.
Secondly
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, they believe that when they buy new
devices
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 they reduce the time spent on housework. On the one hand, when
people
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 see these kinds of commercials,
then
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 they want to buy new
devices
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 that have or have not bought yet;
as a result
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,
people
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 who have old tools have more effect on their surroundings
instead
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 of other groups.
In other words
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, companies that have been manufacturing these
devices
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 generate a
lot
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 of pollution;
moreover
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, populations who have these gadgets have the fact that they put
last
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devices
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 away and become trash
that is
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 injuring backgrounds.
On the other hand
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, It is crucial that firms like a
lot
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 of money and when they advertise,
then
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 they want to improve their sales;
therefore
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, increase their profits;
furthermore
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, if
people
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 buy new
things
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 that they have old ones or they do not need a
lot
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. In fact, they help manufacturers to obtain their goals;
however
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, they waste their money. To illustrate, Apple company every year introduce the iPhone which is the really same as the
last
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 one, yet it says no
this
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 one is much better than the past;
nevertheless
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, sometimes the new iPhone has the lowest efficiency in the past. In conclusion, it is necessary that
people
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 do not follow other
people
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 who are our models;
moreover
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, they think about the
things
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 that they really need .
In addition
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, the most important fact are environment that we destroy with our work.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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language
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar to convey your ideas more clearly.
language
Ensure consistency in tense usage throughout the essay to enhance readability.
task
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your main points. For instance, explain how these products harm the environment more concretely.
task
Develop each point more fully. Some ideas are briefly mentioned but not elaborated upon, which affects the depth of the argument.
task
The essay addresses the topic effectively and provides a clear stance on the issue.
coherence
The introductory and concluding paragraphs are well-structured, setting the stage for the argument and summarizing it effectively.
coherence
The essay makes an effort to connect ideas logically, which enhances the overall flow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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