IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Both men and woman care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Although
Linking Words
,Beauty has the ability to attract
people
Use synonyms
 . Recently,both genders
Verb problem
have
show examples
are take
Change the verb form
are taking
are taken
show examples
 care more about their structure and glamour than in the past.I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
This
Linking Words
 essay will articulate the predominant reasons for partial agreement in forthcoming paragraphs. To commence with, nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 are suffering various problems like body shaming .
This
Linking Words
 will put
people
Use synonyms
 in a depression.Currently,folks are more conscious about their loveliness,
therefore
Linking Words
 ,
people
Use synonyms
 are going to the beauty parlour and Jim.In the beauty parlour, they are doing chemical treatments ,
such
Linking Words
 as
facial
Fix the agreement mistake
facials
show examples
, bleaching,hair straightening and smoothening.
This
Linking Words
 will irritate their
skin
Use synonyms
 and hair, because of
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
 situation,
they
Change preposition
in they
show examples
 are doing
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of activities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Myriad humans are using
skin
Use synonyms
 whitening cream to become fair .But these creams never provide
white
Correct article usage
a white
show examples
 colour for the
skin
Use synonyms
.Which causes
skin
Use synonyms
 cancer and kidney
diseases
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,a news channel reported that,
people
Use synonyms
 who
are used
Change the verb form
have used
show examples
 face creams
diagnosed
Add a missing verb
are diagnosed
show examples
 with chronic kidney
diseases
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, jimnesias have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 significant role in maintaining the body.That will help the community to mitigate
over weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
.There is no other negative impact on going to the fitness centre.It will give a good body shape.
This
Linking Words
 has a pivotal role in preventing heart
Use synonyms
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
. To epitome: A survey states that 90% of
people
Use synonyms
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 to fitness
centre
Fix the agreement mistake
centres
show examples
 to become healthier.
To conclude
Linking Words
,today
people
Use synonyms
 are facing a lot of
harrasment
Correct your spelling
harassment
 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
this
Linking Words
 makes mankind
to become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
beautiful.By using face creams,they are calling
diseases
Use synonyms
 themselves.Fitness centres can boost their stamina.Through
this
Linking Words
 ,
humankinds
Correct your spelling
humankind
 can avoid health issues.All
people
Use synonyms
are doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not care
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their appearance.So I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 situation

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, try using more varied and sophisticated linking words. This will help the essay flow more naturally.
task achievement
To achieve a higher score in task response, ensure you are directly addressing the question throughout your essay and maintain a clear position. Additionally, ensure every main point is directly relevant to the question.
task achievement
Use more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your responses and show a higher level of proficiency.
task achievement
When using examples, make sure they are specific and relevant to strengthen your arguments and make them more compelling.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains an introduction and conclusion, which provides a clear structure.
task achievement
Relevant examples were provided to support some of the points, such as mentioning the news channel report and the survey about fitness centers.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social media platforms
  • beauty and personal care industry
  • societal norms
  • health and fitness
  • celebrity culture
  • technology advancements
  • cosmetic surgery
  • dermatology treatments
  • mental health awareness
  • self-esteem
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