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Band 4.5

Health experts claim that walking is known to be beneficial to health. However, people are walking less on a daily basis. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to encourage people to walk more again?

#health #experts #people #basis
There are numerous
people
assume
Correct pronoun usage
who assume
show examples
 that walking
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
adventageous
Correct your spelling
advantageous
advantages
 to
enhance
Wrong verb form
enhancing
show examples
 body fitness,
while
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 nowadays,
this
 is becoming less efficient. In
this
 issue, I will explain clearly what causes
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the changing behaviour in walking from modern generations. One evident benefit to walking
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a certain distance is that it would enable
to
Correct pronoun usage
you to
show examples
 increase your health.
In other words
, stepping has plenty of beneficial aspects which can reduce stress, muscle buildup, loss
weight
Change preposition
of weight
show examples
 and ideas, or in social, it helps
people
engange
Correct your spelling
engage
 in a good communication towards each other
while
 passing by.
Nevertheless
, individuals can
also
 do side-seeing and touching things
while
 walking whether in the park or in the city area which can
boosts
Change the verb form
boost
show examples
 their brain's development in creativity. Another example of
this
 is,
humans
Correct word choice
that humans
show examples
 can protect the environment from hazardous pollution from carbon in vehicles and electricity.
On the other hand
, some experts think that walking activity
is
Verb problem
has
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 changed throughout the years.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 is because that mostly the new era of industrialists have much workloads,
which
Correct word choice
and
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has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 less time to do anything like a simple walk to their companies.
In addition
, workers are better
taking
Change preposition
at taking
show examples
 private
transportations
Fix the agreement mistake
transportation
show examples
 or cars because it is fast and efficient by the time they
arrived
Wrong verb form
arrive
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the location.
Otherwise
, there are communities that choose to walk rather than drive their
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal carriage. In
this
 case, encouraging
people
 to back to the golden age of walking is the firms must
be participate
Change the verb form
participate
show examples
 in
this
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
.
For example
, the work time should begin at around 9 to 10 a.m, in case
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
each person can
predicted
Change the verb form
predict
show examples
 their steps
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the route from the home to the
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
, which perhaps in the future, they will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
prefer
walk
Fix the infinitive
to walk
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instead
 of
drive
Wrong verb form
driving
show examples
.
To conclude
, encouraging individuals to walk again in
this
 contemporary world has plenty of options which is easy if the area provides their access to walk.
Although
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, more
people
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 some reasons still prefer to walk because it has many
beneficial
Replace the word
benefits
show examples
 to their body health and can help other things
such
 as the local environment healthier than before.
Submitted by wulandarianggieta on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great. However, the logical structure can be improved. Try to make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your ideas flow naturally from one to the next.
task achievement
To achieve better task response, make sure to address both parts of the question fully and develop your points more comprehensively. In particular, elaborate more on specific solutions to encourage people to walk.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear but could be more comprehensive. Try to develop each point more thoroughly and use more relevant examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all your points are directly related to the topic and avoid going off-topic. This will help improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your essay well.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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