IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Both men and woman care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#men #woman #care #appearance
In
recent
Add an article
the recent
show examples
 era,
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 paying attention to their
appearance
instead
what
Correct word choice
of what
show examples
 they did in the past days.
Firstly
,
appearance
taking
Wrong verb form
takes
show examples
important
Add an article
an important
show examples
 role in people's daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, especially when someone has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
worked
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
, some jobs
are needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
appearance
 to face their stakeholders. I personally agree with
this
 statement because when people want to
interract
Correct your spelling
interact
 with us, the first thing that they see is our
appearance
.
On the other hand
,
men
 have never faced the same criticism as women before recent times. Even fifty years ago, almost none would say anything about
men
 having wrinkles or being slightly obese. Unlike nowadays,
men
also
 have begun to think more about their looks, they have started to work out more to be in shape, and they
also
 have begun doing plastic surgeries and going to the barbers. I wouldn’t necessarily say that now it is better than it was before because it
also
 has some downsides.
For example
, toxic masculine
men
 are usually the ones who will try to offend
men
 who try to change their looks, do nails, change their hairstyle, or wear “women” type clothes. In
this
 case, the problem lies deep in our social norms and standards, which are slowly moving towards gender naturality and accepting yourself, and hopefully, in the future, no one will be ashamed to be themselves. To sum it up, there is definitely a trend for
men
 and women, where they are trying to look better and care more about their
appearance
 than in previous times.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments flow logically from one to the next. Using linking phrases can help with transitions between ideas.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make your ideas clearer. For example, give specific contexts where appearance plays a crucial role in modern life or give concrete examples of social norms affecting appearance.
task achievement
Spend time refining your introduction and conclusion to clearly state your position and summarize your key points effectively. This can help to achieve a higher score for task response and coherence.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the male and female perspectives on appearance, offering a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
You made an effort to include a conclusion, summarizing your perspective effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social media platforms
  • beauty and personal care industry
  • societal norms
  • health and fitness
  • celebrity culture
  • technology advancements
  • cosmetic surgery
  • dermatology treatments
  • mental health awareness
  • self-esteem
What to do next:
Look at other essays: