IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that it is the responsibility of the government to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In some countries, it has been observed that youngsters are becoming obese and unhealthy. Many believe that it is the responsibility of the government to resolve these issues.
This
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 essay agrees with
this
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 statement because concerned authorities should make necessary changes for these issues by spreading
awareness
Use synonyms
 and promoting healthy lifestyles.
To begin
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 with, proponents of spreading
awareness
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 should consider the significant role of social media. Children's lives are influenced by the internet,
hence
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, the government should use these sources to spread
awareness
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.
For instance
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, the government should initiate webinars and advertisements that showcase the downsides of unhealthy lifestyles and excessive consumption of junk food.
Additionally
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, they should spread
awareness
Use synonyms
 related to the increasing number of eating disorders,
such
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 as bulimia and anorexia, among teenagers and adults. Ensuring children develop healthy habits is crucial for their well-being. Schools and
parents
Use synonyms
 can significantly contribute by working together. Educational institutions can offer nutritious meals in canteens,
while
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parents
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 can prioritize well-balanced home-cooked meals.
Additionally
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 can educate their children on the importance of healthy eating and the benefits it provides for their growth and development. In conclusion, from the arguments and examples, I firmly agree with
this
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 statement because the involvement of social media, schools and
parents
Use synonyms
 play a significant role in their growth.
Hence
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, spreading
awareness
Use synonyms
 through these mediums can be essential for their growth and development.

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task achievement
While your task response is solid, it would be beneficial to delve deeper into the responsibility of the government. Mention specific policies or regulations the government could introduce, such as restrictions on junk food advertising or the implementation of school-based physical activity programs.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure but would benefit from more distinct paragraphs that separate different ideas more clearly. For example, a separate short paragraph explaining why the government should be responsible before discussing awareness campaigns and school involvement could help.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph smoothly transitions from one to the next. Consider using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. For instance, words like "Furthermore", "Moreover", and "However" can help guide the reader through your essay.
introduction conclusion present
You clearly outline your position and provide a relevant introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
relevant specific examples
The examples provided, such as webinars, advertisements, and school lunches, are relevant and help support your main points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity epidemic
  • public health policies
  • nutritional education
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • healthcare costs
  • junk food advertisements
  • dietary habits
  • physical activity
  • grassroots movements
  • community initiatives
  • subsidies
  • socioeconomic status
  • holistic approach
  • government intervention
  • parental responsibility
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