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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that living ịn big cities is bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #ịn #cities #health
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Some individuals believe that living in huge cities is harmful for citizens’
health
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. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
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 view. On the one hand, staying in major metropolis may bring several disadvantages.
First,
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there are plenty of gas vehicles, factories which release emissions to the city’s atmosphere. Unfortunately, When residents inhale
this
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, it directly affects their lungs.
Therefore
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, if residents are regularly exposed to
such
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 emissions, they will easily get respiratory diseases
such
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 as: asthma and emphysema.
Additionally
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, tons of bills need to be paid, combined with high living costs.
As a consequence
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, residents will be understress.
This
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 can lead to mental
health
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 issues
such
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 as: anxiety disorder and depression.
On the other hand
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, despite some negative impacts on
health
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, living in huge downtown has some
health
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 advantages.
Firstly
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, high quality medical care is available in big capital and modern medical institutions which lead to better treatment for diseases.Plus, because of a huge range of sport facilities, city dwellers are able to train to improve
health
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. Another aspect is there are a lot of forms of entertainment
such
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 as theaters and cinema that allow people to relax after a hard-working time.
As a result
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 stress will be reduced and dwellers can avoid mental well-being problems. In conclusion, in spite of the negative impacts on
health
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 of staying in major metropolis. I would argue that there are some benefits of living in these areas
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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task achievement
Develop your points further. For example, explain specifically how modern medical institutions provide better treatment.
coherence cohesion
Smoothly connect ideas within paragraphs. For example, use linking words such as 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' or 'in addition'.
task achievement
Include more specific and detailed examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that sentences flow smoothly from one to the next. Currently, some sentences and ideas appear somewhat disjointed.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and a conclusion, which frames your essay nicely.
task achievement
Your arguments on both sides of the issue are clear.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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