IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #time #activities #children #parents
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Nowadays, free
time
activities
 become a doubt among
parents
 lives with
children
.Some mankind argue that
parents
 should be prepared
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
activities
 for
children
.
While
 others believe that
this
 activity should be arranged by kids.
This
 essay will shed light on both views and will give my view of point by the end of the essay. To commence with the first argument, some people prefer to organise
activities
 for
children
 because they feel they have to take care of them and kids still do not understand what is suitable for them.To elaborate ,
parents
 are more aware of what
children
 should do in their free
time
.
In addition
,
parents
 are more likely to orient
children
 to behavioural and moral
activities
according to
 their age .
For instance
; if a mother decides to arrange swimming pool parties for her
children
 in
this
 case, they
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 the adult person to monitor them during their swimming to avoid any issues .
On the other hand
, having free
time
 exerts a positive effect on people's mental and physical health.
Also
, many students have outdoor
activities
 in their leisure
time
 in order to resolve stress because they get stressed at school.
As a result
, all young people should be free to choose what they want to do in their free
time
.
Additionally
, by having what they want to do,
children
 may realise what they are interested in.
For instance
, all famous artists in the world look for their
interested
Replace the word
interests
show examples
 through free
time
activities
. In my opinion, there are some advantages and disadvantages.
However
,
it is clear that
 being free to choose their
activities
 helps them to look for their interests and potential. In conclusion,
while
 it is undeniable that free
time
activities
 that
parents
 organise are beneficial, it is apparent that leisure
time
activities
 that
children
 choose by themselves have a more positive influence on their health and dreams.
Submitted by khulood.92 on

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grammar
Consider improving grammatical accuracy and variating sentence structures to create a more polished essay. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and the use of articles.
coherence
Work on making transitions between paragraphs smoother to enhance flow. This will help maintain the reader's interest and ensure coherence throughout your essay.
examples
Try to integrate more specific and varied examples to support your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more compelling.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt effectively by discussing both views and providing your opinion, which demonstrates a clear understanding of the task.
structure
Introduction and conclusion are present and well-crafted, rounding up your arguments succinctly.
content
You have touched on key points such as parents' guidance and children's freedom which gives a comprehensive view on the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
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