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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having large numbers of toys.

#parents #kids #toys #child #numbers
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Some individuals get their children a good number of
toys
Use synonyms
. Little ones always are happy after receiving a tool of joy,
while
Linking Words
 grown people spend a lot of their money on these playthings which
also
Linking Words
 evolve over time.
Firstly
Linking Words
, babies will not be upset if their parent buys them a
brand new
Add a hyphen
brand-new
show examples
toy
Use synonyms
. The young group of society are able to do anything with a
toy
Use synonyms
 which makes their thinking and imagining skills way better and more usable.
For instance
Linking Words
, it has been proved by physiologists, that there is a connection between brain cells and brush nerves which means the
Lego type
Add a hyphen
Lego-type
show examples
toys
Use synonyms
 impact
on
Change preposition
apply
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kids' coordination, memory, concentration and creativity in a good way.
However
Linking Words
, many of these products are unaffordable for
adult
Fix the agreement mistake
adults
show examples
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. Especially with the new modern baubles, it damages their budget badly. New technologies affected the
toy
Use synonyms
 industry very much and
toy
Use synonyms
 companies say that since they need more resources than regular
toys
Use synonyms
, their worth
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more valuable.
For example
Linking Words
, the latest invention for children was a magnet-based constructor which was made in 2005 and if we talk about the price in Kazakhstan,
it's
Correct your spelling
its
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 cost is around 50000 tenge for an average size. In conclusion, even though these products are extremely fun and useful for children's improvement process, it's really hard to keep up with them and
purchasing
Wrong verb form
purchase
show examples
 new
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 every single time. It is recommended, that in third-world countries, price rates for
toys
Use synonyms
 should be lowered as technologies get better, prices
also
Linking Words
 skyrocket.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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task achievement
Clarify your main points more explicitly. It's important to state the advantages and disadvantages clearly in your introduction, and then develop them in separate paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear and logical structure. Use topic sentences to introduce the idea of each paragraph.
task achievement
Include more evidence and examples to support your points. This will demonstrate your ability to provide specific, relevant examples.
task achievement
Good attempt at providing relevant examples to illustrate the points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the overall structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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