IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?

#people’s #life #expectancy #work #retirement #alternative #people #age #development
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Besides
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 working until an older
age
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 in order to pay for their retirement, there is an alternative which is starting to
work
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 at a younger time.
This
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 essay will discuss the advantages and drawbacks of
this
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 viewpoint and my perspective will be illustrated in the conclusion. On the one hand, it is obvious that there are consequences when decreasing the lowest limit of working
age
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.
Firstly
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, they may not be mature enough both physically and mentally. A good example is forensics, a job that requires people who apply
this
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 job is mentally and physically tough.
Secondly
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,
along with
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 their maturity, they may
also
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 not receive enough structured education for their jobs and to protect themselves.
For example
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, they may not fully understand and know their rights and the laws that protect them when they get a job.
On the other hand
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, there is no doubt that
this
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 alternative will have some positive impacts. The foremost is that they can financially support their families or satisfy their retirement needs sooner.
Furthermore
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, the younger
age
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 they
work
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, the more energized they are,
therefore
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, providing better performance at workplaces.
Finally
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, with a younger
work
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age
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, they can contact society sooner.
As a result
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, they receive more social experiences than people who
work
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 since the normal
work
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age
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. In conclusion,
although
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 there are negative impacts
such
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 as not being mature enough for some specialties and not receiving full education, the advantages of
this
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 alternative including satisfying financial needs sooner, better performance, and gaining more life experiences outweigh its consequences.
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on

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task achievement
Your ideas are clear and the essay is well-organized, but some points could be expanded for more depth. Providing more elaborate examples and specific details would enhance your arguments.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical mistakes, such as: 'a job that requires people who apply this job is mentally and physically tough.' You may say 'a job that requires applicants to be mentally and physically tough.' Improving grammatical accuracy will make your essay more polished.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding the main argument easily.
task achievement
The essay addresses both positive and negative aspects of starting to work at a younger age with reasonable points.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth, making the essay quite cohesive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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