IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people say that devoting one's time to family activities is more important than spending time working. Others believe that dedicating one's time to work is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinions.

#people #time #activities #work
In our modern
life
, as our career success
became
Wrong verb form
becomes
show examples
 essential, there are huge gulf in people’s perception associated with
work
 and family.
While
 numerous people consider spending quality
time
 with their family as the most important factor, a significant number of people prioritize their
work
life
 over family activities. To fully address
this
 divergence, it is crucial to delve into each opinion and try to understand it.
Firstly
, several individuals appreciate spending
time
 with their family. It is specifically for parents who have young children since they want to preserve their precious memories with their children by engaging deeply in each stage of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
According to
survey
Add an article
a survey
show examples
 conducted by a Korean institution, about two-thirds of workers, who have been nurturing young children aged 0 to 10, responded that the productivity and efficiency of
work
 significantly increase, provided that they have enough family
time
 at home.
This
 survey clearly
demonstrate
Change the verb form
demonstrates
show examples
 that employees value their sufficient
time
 with family members.
On the other hand
, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a significantly increasing number of individuals who underscore their career lives the most. For them, personal
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
 and professional growth are the most important, crucial factors,
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 guarantee their promotion and incentives at
work
.
According to
 the same
suvey
Correct your spelling
survey
, it
is appeared
Change to the active voice
appears
has appeared
show examples
 that
this
 preference is pervasive especially among young adults
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 the ages of 25 to 35, who live independently. These young people
emphasizes
Change the verb form
emphasize
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their success, thereby prioritizing
work
 over family
time
.
While
 both views are logically sound and offer valid opinions, having more passion for
work
 is
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
preferable because I desire to diversify my career
life
 for a long
time
.
Submitted by jb22809467 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To enhance task response, make sure to address all parts of the question thoroughly. You have discussed both views, but your own opinion could be expanded with more clarity and examples.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one.
relevant specific examples
Your examples are relevant and specific, making your points more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!