IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that goverment is responsilbe for crime prevention. Others think that individuals are responsible to protect themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #goverment #responsilbe #crime #prevention #individuals
Although
 some argue that the
government
 ought to be accountable for reducing
crime
, others say that it is the duty of individuals to safeguard themselves. In my opinion, I consider that the
state
 plays a significant role in preventing
crime
 from happening. On the one hand,
according to
some
Add a comma
some,
show examples
 the
government
 should be responsible for deterring
crime
 because the
state
 has the power to implement strict laws, and I agree.
In other words
, each country has their legislation and
according
Add the preposition
according to
show examples
 them, they usually have authorized agencies which can be regulators.
For example
, Kyrgyzstan has
agency
Correct article usage
an agency
show examples
, which is given responsibilities to ensure public
safety
.
Furthermore
,
people
 pay taxes to the
government
,
whereas
people
 have to be provided security. To illustrate, a
state
 receives money from taxpayers but it is not responsible for
organize
Wrong verb form
organising
show examples
 work
upon stopping
Change preposition
to stop
show examples
crime
 in the
social
Replace the word
society
show examples
.
As a result
, it can lead
people
 to resentment.
On the other hand
, some
people
 claim that everyone is responsible
to protect
Change preposition
for protecting
show examples
 themselves since by taking accountability for their own
safety
, individuals could have
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to be always vigilant. To put it simply,
whatever it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
no one
cannot
Rephrase
can
show examples
 safeguard persons better
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 except
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves.
For instance
, if persons going to disadvantaged
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, they ought to take something
such
 as pepper spray or
stun
Correct article usage
a stun
show examples
 gun. Another reason is resource limited, which means that special
state
 services
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not permanently available everywhere and always. So,
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
arrive
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
destination
Correct pronoun usage
their destination
show examples
 it may be late.
Thus
, the best way
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 safeguard themselves is
avoiding
Change the verb form
to avoid
show examples
 dangerous areas or have self-protecting things.
To sum up
,
while
people
 may vary in their opinions, I think whatever it
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is for public
safety
 from
crime
 the
government
 have to protect since
safety
Correct article usage
the safety
show examples
everyone
Change preposition
of everyone
show examples
 and
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 nation is the highest value
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
right of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using more transitional phrases and conjunctions. This will help to better connect your ideas and make your argument clearer.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of words and phrases. Try to use synonyms and varied structures to make your essay more engaging and less monotonous.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and detailed explanations to back up your points. This will strengthen your argument and demonstrate your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Pay attention to grammar and sentence structures. Avoid long and complicated sentences as they can be confusing. Aim to make your sentences clear and concise.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and your opinion, which sets up the essay well.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear conclusion that summarizes your points and reaffirms your opinion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views and provides reasons and examples for each, which demonstrates a balanced understanding of the issue.
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