More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people Say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Throughout recent years, there have been accompanying issues with rising

obesity

Use synonyms

rates

due to

Linking Words

a huge upsurge in the number of high-calorie foods. Many individuals feel that introducing higher payment to unhealthy fattening foods may better address

this

Linking Words

issue of

obesity

Use synonyms

. It is, in my opinion, an

unefficient

Correct your spelling

inefficient

trend that will have a detrimental influence on

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

people

Use synonyms

lifestyle

Fix the agreement mistake

lifestyles

show examples

. I will explain my perspective in the forthcoming paragraphs. The number of overweight and obese

people

Use synonyms

has doubled since 1980 and accelerated since 200, which means that the epidemic has spread during periods of both low and high

food

Use synonyms

prices. It implies that

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

Public health companions have no expectation that by adding extra cost to calorific

food

Use synonyms

they will restrain

this

Linking Words

epidemic explosion of fatness. A good illustration of

this

Linking Words

phenomenon would be the situation in America where the public authority had doubled the price of hot

dog

Fix the agreement mistake

dogs

show examples

from 4 to 8.

However

Linking Words

people

Use synonyms

willingly bought their flavoursome dish.

Due to

Linking Words

the fact that in

wealth

Replace the word

wealthy

show examples

countries consumers possess more money and can

therefore

Linking Words

consume

rast

Correct your spelling

vast

amounts of fast

food

Use synonyms

without seriously diminishing their income. The idea of adding more taxes on fattening foods will only increase the burdens of poor

people

Use synonyms

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

society. Because

food

Use synonyms

costs are still high and possibly getting more unstable, bad calories are typically less expensive than healthy ones.

This

Linking Words

is true not

onlyfor

Correct your spelling

only for

junk

food

Use synonyms

in the industrialized world but

also

Linking Words

for less nourishing

food

Use synonyms

substitues

Correct your spelling

substitutes

found in low-income homes in developing nations that frequently face

food

Use synonyms

emergencies.

Thus

Linking Words

rising domestic and international

food

Use synonyms

prices

along with

Linking Words

rising volatility portend the

obesity

Use synonyms

pandemics

Change noun form

pandemic's

show examples

continued existence.

Additionally

Linking Words

, Junk

food

Use synonyms

is more widely available in wealthy nations and less nutritious alternatives are more common in low-income homes during

food

Use synonyms

crises because unhealthy calories are frequently less expensive than better options. In conclusion, the announcement of

price

Correct article usage

a price

show examples

hike cannot curb the state of altering from stunting to

obesity

Use synonyms

. Public health companies should not only contemplate the fiscal strategy to tackle

this

Linking Words

looming problem

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

but

also

Linking Words

should consider the behaviour of

people

Use synonyms

and their metabolic development contribute to being overweight or obese.

Submitted by minimix1203 on Thu Jul 18 2024

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task achievement

Your essay presents a clear opinion and supports it with relevant arguments. However, some points could benefit from deeper elaboration. For instance, the connection between food prices and obesity trends could be more thoroughly explored with more varied examples.

task achievement

Ensure that your ideas are fully developed and supported with adequate examples and explanations. While the attempt to use specific data is commendable, be cautious with your facts—it's better not to introduce potentially misleading statistics unless verified.

coherence cohesion

The essay maintains a logical flow and structure, with clear paragraphs and a defined introduction and conclusion. However, transitions between ideas can be smoother. For example, the move from discussing American consumer behavior to the financial burden on poor people could be bridged more seamlessly.

coherence cohesion

Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to enhance readability. Some sentences are quite long and complex, which might affect clarity. Breaking them down into shorter, more concise sentences could improve coherence.

introduction conclusion present

The introduction clearly states your opinion and sets the stage for the arguments that follow. This is effective in engaging the reader and establishing the context.

introduction conclusion present

The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position, bringing the essay to a satisfying close. This reinforces the overall coherence of your argument.

supported main points

Your essay uses relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument. The reference to America's handling of high-calorie food prices is particularly illustrative.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

354 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

obesity
overweight
fattening foods
calorie-dense
healthier food choices
taxation
economic implications
social implications
subsidies
nutritional education
public health campaigns
nanny state
individual's right
consumer behavior
preventative measures

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More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people Say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Far too little has been done to prevent animals and plants from dying out, although people have been aware of this problem for a long time. Why do people do so little about it? How can we prevent animals and plants from going extinct?

Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.