IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Children
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 are often looking for a little entertainment. In
this
Linking Words
 modern
world
Add a comma
world,
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children
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 spend more
time
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in
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apply
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playing
computer
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games
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 and less
time
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 in sports. I think
this
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 negative development is because of the new invention of
computer
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games
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 that looks more attractive. After
the
Correct article usage
apply
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computer
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games
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 have been developed,
children
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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often spend
time
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in
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apply
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playing video
games
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 which they feel more attractive and addictive too. These virtual
games
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 allow an individual to play with anyone around the world with the help of the internet which makes the
children
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 forget about outdoor
games
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.
For instance
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, later the survey says more than 60% of the
children
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 are playing GTA which gives a real-world experience to the player. Playing
this
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 game will makes an individual more fun and engaging. Some
computer
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games
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 can be educational and help them to develop problem-solving skills
that
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apply
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resulted
Wrong verb form
resulting
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 in
childern
Correct your spelling
children
started
Verb problem
apply
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developing their own educational video
games
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 which
also
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helped
Wrong verb form
help
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 them develop their knowledge and
computer
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 skills. There are
also
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 some potential drawbacks to
children
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 spending too much
time
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on
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apply
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playing
computer
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games
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.
For example
Linking Words
, Sitting in front of a screen for a long
time
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 will result in sleeping problems, and eye problems that will directly affect them in their future life. In conclusion, there are more negative developments to
children
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 spending more
time
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 playing
computer
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games
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 than playing other sports. The key is for parents to be aware of
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
these potential risks and help their
children
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 to make a perfect balance to lead a healthy life

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task achievement
Make sure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the task. You have identified reasons why children play computer games more than sports but the explanation could be more thorough and diversified.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clearer and more logical structure in your essay. Each paragraph should have a clear purpose and should connect smoothly to the next paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas are clear and comprehensively elaborated. For example, your mentioning of potential drawbacks is good, but expanding on how these drawbacks affect children’s overall development would make your point stronger.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your points. Specific examples lend credibility to your argument and provide a solid grounding for your assertions.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is effective and clearly states your position on the topic, providing a good foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your position, which is a key aspect of a well-structured essay.
task achievement
You've made a good attempt at addressing both positive and negative aspects of computer games, providing a balanced view which enhances the quality of your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
What to do next:
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