More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
In the contemporary era, there are immense of private
informations
posted on Change the wording
information
pieces of information
the
social Correct article usage
apply
medias
, Correct your spelling
media
the
shopping websites and Correct article usage
apply
the
others. Correct article usage
apply
Nowaday
, Correct your spelling
Nowadays
people
too hard to having
a rest of Change the form of the verb
have
internet
cause Correct article usage
the internet
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
had
to work and connect with others Wrong verb form
have
by
these devices. Change preposition
with
This
essay will discuss about
why I think it is not a positive process.
Remove the preposition
apply
Firstly
, the advance
in Fix the agreement mistake
advances
high-technology
Correct your spelling
high technology
have
made our lives more convenient indeed, Change the verb form
has
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
people
become
harder to concentrate on what Verb problem
have found it
happened
in Wrong verb form
is happening
the
reality. On Correct article usage
apply
the
social media, we can see other Correct article usage
apply
people
's beautiful and vivid posts, when people
like us see these post
, they would like to imitate and post these pretty views too. Fix the agreement mistake
posts
However
, in the current, visitors go
to attractions do not focus on their sensity any more, Correct pronoun usage
who go
lead
to a view of the attractions are full of influenzer whose Wrong verb form
leading
perpose
Correct your spelling
purpose
are
taking photos, not Change the verb form
is
go
to visit. The phenomenon showed that the number of Wrong verb form
going
people
who cares
what others Correct subject-verb agreement
care
thinking
about themselves is increasing.
Wrong verb form
think
Secondly
, privacy informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
are
Verb problem
is at
high-risky
to revealed and frauded. Correct your spelling
high
The internet
fraud is getting worse, when we post Correct article usage
Internet
any thing
online Correct your spelling
anything
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
that
can't choose who Correct pronoun usage
we
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
Correct article usage
the authory
authory
to see which have written on our social media. It is dangerous that unknown Correct your spelling
authority
people
use our revealed phone number to do something detrimental.People
Change noun form
People's
lose
Replace the word
loss
privacy
is a huge issue that Change preposition
of privacy
cause
them Change the verb form
causes
lose
safety and Add the particle
to lose
other
, so we Fix the agreement mistake
others
had
to be careful what we Wrong verb form
have
have posted
on Wrong verb form
post
the
social media and in Correct article usage
apply
the
public.
Correct article usage
apply
To sum up
, these reasons above proved
that the net Wrong verb form
prove
made
our Wrong verb form
makes
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
comfortably
, but we need to avoid bad Change the word
comfortable
people
use
our private details to harm us.Wrong verb form
using
Submitted by peihanw5 on
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task achievement
Your argument would be more persuasive if specific examples were included to support the points made. For instance, cite known data breaches or social media incidents to add weight to your concerns.
task achievement
Try to make your ideas clearer and more comprehensive. Some sentences are difficult to understand due to grammatical and punctuation errors. Refining these will make your essay more coherent.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your essay by connecting sentences and ideas more naturally. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your argument smoothly.
coherence cohesion
While you have an introduction and conclusion, they could be more robust. Make sure your introduction clearly outlines what you will discuss, and your conclusion sums up your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your main points are fully developed with explanations and examples for better coherence.
task response
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.