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Band 4

When children start school, teachers have more influence on their intellectual and social development than their parent. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#children #school #teachers #influence #development #parent
The best way for
children
 to education is neither family nor
teachers
,
Remove the comma
apply
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because after
school
, parents begin to play a role kiddo's life.
This
 essay discusses
parent's effect
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 and
teacher 's
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers'
show examples
 precious on
children
's development.
To
Change preposition
In
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beginning
Correct article usage
the beginning
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,before the
children
 do not yet start education in
school
, the family take care of them,
furthermore
 mother is the first tutor for the kiddos.
For example
 , several people are taught by mothers or fathers
such
 as
count
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counting
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 numbers
1
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from 1
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to 10 ,
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
 basic colours, and most of all talking abilities. Not only family is like a master but
also
 they support
children
's spiritual manners. It seems to me that we can not compare family and
teachers
 because they have different roles
therefore
this
 aspect is inappropriate for rules of morality.
Besides
, all around the world, every kid needs to connect with their mothers or fathers. Even ıf they are observed by
teachers
 when they are in
school
.
On the other hand
, many people believe that when
children
 start education
teachers
 can replace family or after that, they are members of the family for
children
.
For example
 students who
is
Change the verb form
are
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 under the age of 8 ,
every
Correct determiner usage
apply
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questions
Change to a singular noun
question
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 are asked whether they to
teachers
Fix the agreement mistake
teacher
show examples
whether
Change preposition
apply
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permission for toilet or eating time. At
this
 point, tutors become like
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 or
father
Fix the agreement mistake
fathers
show examples
.
Moreover
, all parents should trust
teachers
 because when their kiddos are in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
,
teachers
 begin taking over the role of the family .
For instance
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kindergarten,
children
 are taken care of wistfully in order to they do not feel to lack of parents.
To conclude
, In my opinion, the family is an unforgiven issue for
children
nonetheless
 we can not overlook to teacher's effect on a child's life.
Submitted by kickbox191 on

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task achievement
The introduction is quite brief and does not clearly indicate the essay's position on the topic. It would be beneficial to make a clear stance whether you agree or disagree with the statement.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing, such as 'To beginning' and 'unforgiven issue.' Proofreading the essay to correct these errors will enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure. Instead of jumping between ideas, try to organize your points more coherently. For example, discuss the role of parents first in one paragraph, and then the role of teachers in the next.
task achievement
The essay provides multiple examples to support the main points, such as mentioning that mothers and fathers teach basic skills before school.
coherence cohesion
You’ve highlighted the unique roles that both parents and teachers play in a child's development, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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