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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In multiples
Change preposition
Multiples
show examples
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 nowadays see that
sell
Wrong verb form
selling
show examples
 junk drinks and
food
Use synonyms
 to the students during lunch break is a good way.
This
Linking Words
what
Add a missing verb
is what
show examples
 most
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 will agree with but
on the other hand
Linking Words
 the parents will not .
Body paragraph 1
Provide
Wrong verb form
Providing
show examples
 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 for the
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 can be
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 thing sometimes if they only eat it once or twice
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overall
Linking Words
otherwise
Linking Words
 that will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
badly
Correct pronoun usage
them badly
show examples
.So
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 can tell that
provide for
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
unhealthy
Change preposition
with unhealthy
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 can be good for them
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
 some of them
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 like healthy
food
Use synonyms
 so that will make them eat in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 even they will
also
Linking Words
 love coming to
school
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
 all the time will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
negatively
Correct pronoun usage
us negatively
show examples
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
when ever
Correct your spelling
whenever
show examples
 we decrease
evey thing
Correct your spelling
everything
 in life even
thought
Correct your spelling
though
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 a good it will turn around as.So that, we have
balence
Correct your spelling
balance
 between the healthy and unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if
thay
Correct your spelling
they
 sell unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 all the time
for example
Linking Words
 when they
mange
Correct your spelling
manage
show examples
 to sell unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 in the two breaks that will do the
oppest
Correct your spelling
opposite
 thing that all we want
for
Add a missing verb
is for
show examples
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 health.So from my own experience when
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 was
student
Add an article
a student
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 always
prefer
Wrong verb form
preferred
show examples
 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as pizza and
barger
Correct your spelling
burger
 so when my
school
Use synonyms
provide
Wrong verb form
provided
show examples
 for me
these
Change the determiner
this food
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 that
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 eat
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
once
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 day it
make
Wrong verb form
made
show examples
 me so excited to go
Use synonyms
school
Change preposition
to school
show examples
 and it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 not do problems
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 did not over of eating that.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,selling unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 during the lunch breaks will always be a good thing for the students.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, make sure to clearly structure each paragraph with a topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. Use transition words like 'however,' 'furthermore,' or 'in conclusion' to link your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, make sure to thoroughly explain each point you make. For instance, delve deeper into why unhealthy food could negatively impact students' health, and provide a specific example if possible.
task achievement
Work on developing clear and comprehensive ideas by ensuring each point is fully fleshed out before moving on to the next. Adding more evidence and examples would also strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Your essay does address the task prompt and provides reasons for both sides of the argument.
task achievement
You have included a personal example, which makes your argument more relatable and engaging.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • nutritional value
  • dietary habits
  • obesity epidemic
  • long-term health
  • balanced diet
  • short-sighted decision
  • well-being
  • academic performance
  • healthcare costs
  • fundraising alternatives
  • peer influence
  • role models
  • public health
  • profit margin
  • dietary education
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