IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the kids of having lot of toys.

#parents #children #toys #kids
Major of parents purchase
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their kids
a lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lot
lots
show examples
 of bauble for spending time
.
Change preposition
with.
show examples
 An advantage is that a large number of
toys
 can help develop fine and gross motor skills.
However
, a disadvantage is that
children
 may become overwhelmed by too many options and may struggle to focus on
one
 activity for a significant period. The main advantage of buying numerous
toys
 is that it might aid in increasing types of abilities. If
children
 play
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
great active games they will learn balance,
coordination
Correct word choice
and coordination
show examples
. Using gross motor skills
serve
Correct subject-verb agreement
serves
show examples
as the building blocks for improving muscles in the body.
For example
, research on
pediatrics
Change the spelling
paediatrics
show examples
 in 2022 showed that toddlers
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 play with different types of
toys
 uplift their physical activity. The drawback of too many choices is that the child will be swamped
owing to
Verb problem
and
show examples
this
 child can’t focus on
one
 thing. When you buy your
children
 a new toy, they will forget about the old
one
 which they played with.
For instance
, research in America shows that a lot of
toys
 do not allow kids to focus on
one
 toy at a time. In conclusion,
although
 ample
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
toys
 can increase
children
’s bent, they
also
 put
children
 to
sumberge
Correct your spelling
submerge
.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider rephrasing awkward phrases like "major of parents" to "many parents" for clarity.
task achievement
Ensure to clearly state your main points in the introduction to guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Develop your ideas more comprehensively, providing additional details and examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the main point of the essay, improving overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
Aim to improve the transition between paragraphs to maintain a smooth flow of ideas.
task achievement
You have effectively presented both the advantages and disadvantages of buying many toys for children.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!