IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some parents purchase their children a large number of toys to play with.What are the advantages and disadvantages for the kids of having lot of toys.

#parents #purchase #children #toys #kids
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Several mothers and fathers purchase their kids a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of playthings. Having a large number of
toys
Use synonyms
 can improve
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 creativity.
However
Linking Words
,
overabundance
Add an article
an overabundance
the overabundance
show examples
 of
toys
Use synonyms
 can simulate some issues,
such
Linking Words
 as materialism. One advantage of having a lot of
toys
Use synonyms
 is that children will be more creative. Different
toys
Use synonyms
 often require different types of play and little
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
show examples
 might find various ways of playing, so as
mot
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 to be bored.
For instance
Linking Words
, psychologists
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the USA conducted a study, in which 5 children got 3
toys
Use synonyms
 each and 3 hours later all of them found unusual and creative ways of playing.
However
Linking Words
, one disadvantage is that
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 in the future might become materials.
Person
Correct article usage
A person
show examples
, who
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 too many
toys
Use synonyms
 to play
in
Change preposition
with in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood, can receive serious psychological
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues such
show examples
 as materialism, which means that
person
Correct article usage
the person
show examples
 believes that material possessions and physical comfort
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 important than all other things.
For instance
Linking Words
, students of
Psychology
Correct article usage
the Psychology
show examples
 faculty of Oxford University conducted a survey, in which they asked 100 people 2 questions about the amount of
toys
Use synonyms
 they had and their beliefs about material possessions. 56
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 100 people had too many
toys
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood, and 38 of them were materialists. In conclusion, a youngster, who had a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 amount of
toys
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood, will be more creative.
However
Linking Words
,
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
 can become
materialist
Correct article usage
a materialist
show examples
 in the future.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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grammar
Improve grammatical structures to ensure correct subject-verb agreement, and correct use of articles. For instance, 'One advantage of having a lot of toys is that children will be more creative.' can be improved to 'One advantage of having a lot of toys is that children become more creative.'
content development
Provide more detailed analysis and elaboration to fully support your main points. For example, explain how children become more creative with different toys and provide more substantial evidence.
coherence
Enhance coherence by improving transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Words or phrases such as 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' could be used to make the text more connected.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which effectively sums up the main points presented.
paragraphing
Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic which is a good approach.
examples
The essay provides specific examples and studies to support the claims made, which is commendable.
task response
Task response is quite good as the essay answers both parts of the prompt: advantages and disadvantages of having a lot of toys.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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