IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Most individuals consider
money
Use synonyms
 the
crucial one
Correct word choice
key
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 to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 satisfied. I agree that
money
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 plays an essential role in our world. But in my opinion, there are main things which no one can purchase even with worth, so
people
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 may be happy without much
money
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. First of all, every person definitely prefers to be healthy
instead
Linking Words
 of
the
Correct article usage
a
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 rich
life
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. We cannot
ensuring say
Wrong verb form
ensure
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 that more
money
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 brings happiness to all
people
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. If someone
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
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 from any illness and
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 quite
finance
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a lot of financial problems
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 paying their basic necessities,
l
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I
 do not
guess
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think
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 extra
money
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 can give those
people
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 happiness. I am sure, they would choose heathy lifestyle cost of lossing their worth.
For example
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, we
recognize
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recognise
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 some distinguished
millioners
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millionaires
 who encountered
incruable
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incurable
 disease and
ackowledge
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acknowledge
 that
money
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 is not
only
Correct article usage
the only
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 factor that makes
life
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 stunning. Because they realise
real
Correct article usage
the real
show examples
 meaning of
the
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apply
show examples
life
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.
Moreover
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, there are some factors
that
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
apply
show examples
contribute to
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
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 lifestyle. From my perspective, being in
an
Capitalize the word
An
show examples
 environment where we are respected
,
Correct word choice
and
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 loved is
vital
Change preposition
of vital
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 importance.
For instance
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, we do not feel alone when they encourage
us
Punctuation problem
us,
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 even
if
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apply
show examples
in the little events. Even if we do not have much
money
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, we can find power from their support.
Then
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 it helps us to be aware of what we can do, discover our abilities and increase
self-confident
Replace the word
self-confidence
. So, it is possible to create new spaces in our
life
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 for other
activies
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activities
 related to capabilities.
Furthermore
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, spending time on hobbies and personal interests can make
people
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 feel more fulfilled and motivated in their daily lives.
Therefore
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,
this
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 will add another dimension to our lives. In conclusion, it is clear to everyone that we can not
image
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imagine
show examples
 our
life
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 without
money
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. But if there is a satisfactory amount to live
, every
Change preposition
on, every
show examples
 person can see our world
more
Change preposition
as more
show examples
 meaningful even without much
money
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.
In addition
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, they may discover many elements
such
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 as
kindness
Replace the word
kind
 friends and entertaining activities to become glad.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Say clearly if people can be happy with little money, and then explain other causes of happiness in a clear way.
task response
Develop each main idea with one clear reason and one simple example. Some ideas are good, but they need more support.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a careful way, such as first, also, for example, and in conclusion. Do not add too many ideas in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Check that pronouns are clear. Sometimes words like they or it do not clearly show who or what you mean.
task response
You answered the full topic and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You included an introduction and a conclusion.
task response
You used examples about health, love, and hobbies to support your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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