IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Certain individuals believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is a key element of being happy. I tend to think that they believe numbers in their bank accounts can tackle
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of their problems, but they should find
happiness
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 in simple things than in
money
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.
From
Change preposition
This
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this
Linking Words
prospective
Correct your spelling
perspective
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 worth
to discuss
Change the verb form
discussing
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 in the fourth
coming
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
paragraphs
Fix the agreement mistake
paragraph
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. On the
one
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 hand, many
people
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 equalize cash with bliss, which provides unhappiness among
low status
Add a hyphen
low-status
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 individuals. It is not a secret that nowadays
money
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 can buy a house, car, travel, healthy food and so on.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
according to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
research conducted by Azerbaijan Oil and Industry
university
Capitalize word
University
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 shows that
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
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 of sadness among poor
people
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are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 higher than
rich
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among rich
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people
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.
However
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, another research
display
Correct subject-verb agreement
displays
show examples
 that for a good living majority of Humans do not need much more
money
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. We can control our temptation,
also
Linking Words
 we can replace our habits.
The
Correct article usage
One
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one
Use synonyms
 of the richest
person
Change to a plural noun
people
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 in the world Warren Buffet can be exemplified in
this
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 case, because he never
changes
Wrong verb form
changed
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 his house, never buy
the
Correct article usage
an
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 expensive car or never fly with business class.
Nevertheless
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, there are several positive impacts which contribute
Use synonyms
happiness
Change preposition
to happiness
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 which include positive relationships or environmental factors. Strong
connection
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connections
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 with family or having loved
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one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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 are
one
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 of the most important key elements of
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
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 life.
For example
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, students who abroad live alone feel
loneliness
Replace the word
lonely
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 and are compelled to solve problems alone, without help from their parents.
Also
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,
people
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 are satisfied with having a girlfriend or boyfriend, it gives them a sense of belonging.
Additionally
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, living in a safe, peaceful, and stimulating environment can promote well-being. Access to nature, green spaces, and a comfortable living space can significantly impact
happiness
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.
In particular
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, there are a lot of depressed
people
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 who live in a country
that is
Linking Words
 at war. In conclusion,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
people
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 think that
money
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 is the main delegate for
happiness
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.
However
Linking Words
, there are different aspects which can increase their
happiness
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 hormone,
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 good relationships with loved ones and safety.

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task achievement
Clarify the introduction and thesis statement. Mention that while money is considered crucial by some, there are other factors contributing to happiness.
task achievement
Some sentences are slightly unclear or have minor grammatical inaccuracies. Review sentence construction for improved clarity.
coherence cohesion
Organize the essay into clear paragraphs, each dealing with one main point. Ensure that paragraphs smoothly transition from one idea to another.
coherence cohesion
Develop a more cohesive logical structure. Ideas should flow more naturally, connecting previous points to subsequent arguments.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, discussing money and other factors contributing to happiness.
coherence cohesion
It concludes well by summarizing the main points and reiterating the main opinion.
task achievement
Relevant examples, such as Warren Buffet, are utilized to support the viewpoints presented.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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