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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Introduction
Some of the individuals believe that
money
Use synonyms
 is
one
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 of the most important factors in achieving
happiness
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.
Money
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, in
fact
Punctuation problem
fact,
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 can be the reason
of
Change preposition
for
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happiness
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 in many ways.
This
Linking Words
 essay will touch
both
Change preposition
on both
show examples
 opinions and give a conclusion.
Body paragraph 1
On the
one
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 hand good amount of
money
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 can ease our
life
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 in several ways and be the cause of
happiness
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 people can be happy without much
money
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.
For instance
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, you can buy
clock
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a clock
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 but not time, you can buy
house
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a house
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 but not comfort
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 moral of it is that
money
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 can not buy everything. There are many millionaires and billionaires who do not have any family or friends and
just
Verb problem
are
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 all alone by themselves.
Money
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do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not always
means
Wrong verb form
mean
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happiness
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.
Body paragraph 2
Several factors contribute towards
happiness
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Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as good health, good family relationships and meaningful purpose in
life
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.
For example
Linking Words
, you can be a millionaire, but if you lose your legs or are deaf, you may still face difficulties in your daily
life
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.
This
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 shows that
money
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 alone cannot guarantee
happiness
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, because good health and the ability to enjoy
life
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 are equally important.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 you may not have any close people to share all of
this
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 with.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 Howard Hughes was an American business magnate and
one
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 of the wealthiest people of his time. In his later years, he became increasingly isolated and lived privately, away from public
life
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. He died in 1976.
Conclusion
In conclusion, yes
of
Punctuation problem
, of
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course
Punctuation problem
course,
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money
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 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one
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 of the most important key of
happiness
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but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 it can not buy everything and everyone. So do not have to be
millionaire
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a millionaire
show examples
 to be happy.

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Task response
Give your own answer more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that money is helpful, but it is not the only way to be happy.
Task response
Answer both questions fully. Explain more about how health, close family, friends, and a clear aim in life can make people happy.
Task response
Your examples are useful, but make the link to your main point clear. After the Howard Hughes example, say directly that being rich did not stop him from feeling alone.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first explain why money helps; next explain why people can be happy with little money; then discuss other causes of happiness.
Coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care, such as “However”, “For example”, “Also”, and “Therefore”. Avoid repeating “For example” too often.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph stronger. Restate your view in full: money can make life easier, but health, love, and close people are also needed for happiness.
Task response
You answer the main question and show a clear view: people can be happy without a lot of money.
Task response
You give relevant ideas about health, family, friends, and having a purpose in life.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape of your answer.
Coherence and cohesion
The contrast between money and things money cannot buy is clear and helpful.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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