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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

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Introduction
It is often argued that
money
Use synonyms
 is one of the most important factors in promoting
happiness
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. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view, given that financial security enables people to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle and avoid stress associated with financial problems.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, it is an undeniable fact that
money
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 plays an essential role in covering basic necessities, including food, housing and education. When people cannot afford their basic necessities, they are likely to experience anxiety,
therefore
Linking Words
 affecting their well-being tremendously.
For instance
Linking Words
, a parent on a low income may not be able to afford proper food, rent or medical treatment for his children, and
this
Linking Words
 leads him to spend his time worrying about the problems rather than enjoying life.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
money
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 may not purchase
happiness
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, it can create the situations in which
happiness
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 can flourish.
Body paragraph 2
Another major reason why
money
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 contributes to
happiness
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 is that it gives individuals freedom and opportunities to enjoy life. Financially secure humans can afford to travel, take part in leisure activities and spend time with their families, in
sense
Correct article usage
the sense
show examples
 that receiving life satisfaction.
For example
Linking Words
, a person who is financially stable may take his family on holiday at least twice a year.
By contrast
Linking Words
, people on a limited budget can struggle to cover their basic
expences
Correct your spelling
expenses
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
money
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 may provide greater freedom and opportunities.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fundamentally agree that sufficient
money
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 is vital for
happiness
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 because it supplies financial security, reduces stress and freedom from all aspects.

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task response
You explain well why money can help people feel happy. However, you do not fully answer the first question: can people be happy without much money? Add a clear paragraph saying yes, they can, if they have love, good health, close friends, and a sense of purpose.
task response
The second question asks for other things that bring happiness. Name and explain at least two or three, such as family, health, friendship, free time, or helping others. Give a short example for one of them.
task response
Your view is clear, but it is very strong. A more balanced view would say that money is important up to the point where basic needs are met, but it is not the only source of a happy life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The order is easy to follow. To make it stronger, use one body part for money and one body part for happiness without much money.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. In the first body part, “therefore” joins two full ideas, so use a full stop or write “and this can affect their well-being.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are unclear. For example, change “in sense that receiving life satisfaction” to “which can give them greater life satisfaction.” Change “freedom from all aspects” to “more freedom in daily life.”
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors that may stop clear reading: write “expenses,” not “expences”; write “financially secure people,” not “financially secure humans.”
task response
You give a clear main idea: money can reduce worry by helping people pay for food, housing, education, and health care.
task response
The example of a parent who cannot pay for food, rent, or medical care is relevant and helps explain your point.
coherence and cohesion
Each main body part has one clear focus: basic needs first, then freedom and chances to enjoy life.
coherence and cohesion
The ending restates your main view and links back to the ideas of safety, less stress, and freedom.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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