IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in their families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parent’s absence. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own.

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In the era of globalization, new payments have been raised.
This
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 made
parents
Use synonyms
 conscious about the future. They are trying their best for their
kids
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.
Therefore
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, a diverse range of
parents
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 believe that it is essential for
both
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 of them to
work
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 to elevate their life quality,
while
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 others assume that if they
both
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work
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 their
kids
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 will be frustrated. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on
both
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 statements. On the one hand, burdens have been increased
due to
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 bills and inflation.
This
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 made a lot of individuals are struggling and can not endure more.
Moreover
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, They want to have better lives for their
kids
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. They
work
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 together to increase their income and save some money for the future.
In addition
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, they want to
work
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 as they are young,
as a result
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, they can retire early to spend enough time with their adolescents.
For instance
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, In Egypt,
both
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parents
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 are working to raise their wages. Their income is low ,
thus
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 for a better social life, they
work
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 together.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 can have a side effect on our children. They will feel that the money is more crucial than them.
Furthermore
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, they will feel that they can not play with their
parents
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 and do not have any feelings for them. Moving
further
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, they will get raised by others ,
hence
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 they will assume that they are their real lovers.
For example
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, in Middle Eastern countries, most affluent persons are bringing maids to serve their
kids
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.
This
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 made a lot of
kids
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are loving
Wrong verb form
love
show examples
 them
instead
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 of loving
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parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
. In conclusion, we should balance between balance and
work
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. Our children have the right to spend a lot of time with us and obtain love from us. If the income is enough for one person and it can make us have a suitable life,
then
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 the other person can stay home to take care of the children.

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grammar
Ensure grammatical structures and expressions are accurate and natural. For instance, the second sentence in the introduction could be clearer: 'This has made parents more conscious of their children's future.'
examples
Try to provide more specific examples that illustrate your points more vividly. Currently, the example about Egypt is somewhat general.
coherence
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. The transition between discussing benefits and drawbacks could be more fluid.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, summarizing the main points effectively.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
clarity
The arguments are generally clear and are supported with appropriate points and examples.
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