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Band 5.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #education #years
One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that some people think that the
state
 should pay in full for the courses of a student who wants to study at the university. Now people are beginning to realize that that paying for university studies is a difficult issue. Some believe that the government should pay for tuition in full to make it accessible to everyone.
This
 could help many students get an
education
 and a good job.
Personaly
Correct your spelling
Personally
, I tend to think that every person should pay for his
education
.
Firstly
, it is well known that
that
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
it can help with financial aid. What I mean here is that There are many families in the world who cannot teach themselves
due to
 lack of money,
these
Correct word choice
and these
show examples
 poor families try to ask for money from governments.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 the
state
 must take a decision to solve the problem, look at the level of poverty of
this
 family and help with money at the same level. But there is another point of view. Paying for all the tuition can put a huge strain on a country's budget, which could lead to higher taxes or cuts to other important services.
Therefore
, people are looking for ways to make
education
 accessible without creating major financial problems.
That is
 to
say
Add a comma
say,
show examples
 the
state
 starts paying for a student’s entire
education
,
this
 could lead to a low level of statistics. One of them is
due to
 the fact that they will be paid for, students will not see what is important in their studies
due to
 the fact that the
state
paid
Wrong verb form
pays
show examples
. In conclusion, Full tuition coverage can be costly and demotivate students. It is better to use partial funding or assistance to those in need.
Submitted by dnm.best on

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task achievement
Ensure your main points are clearly supported with strong examples. Currently, some examples are general and don't provide enough support for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow between your ideas. Smooth transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs can enhance the coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Remove any repeated phrases such as 'that that' to increase clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easier to follow your argument.
task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the prompt, addressing both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Each paragraph discusses a different point of view, showing your ability to consider multiple perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
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