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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attrnding

the charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attrnding
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The pie chart and the bar chart show the information about the
dance
Use synonyms
 classes in Australia
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the location and the types of
dance
Use synonyms
. First of all, there are many places
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
dance
Use synonyms
 classes.
The most
Correct article usage
Most
show examples
 place
people
Use synonyms
 in Australia go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private studios
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
48 per cent.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the community halls and school halls
people
Use synonyms
 go to there almost 18 per cent and 24 per cent, respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
last
Linking Words
 location
people
Use synonyms
 go to there is college-based studios.
However
Linking Words
, the type of the
dance
Use synonyms
 and the age.
First,
Linking Words
ballet
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the most
dance
Use synonyms
 students under 11 love it
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
600
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
.
Second,
Linking Words
the
moder
Correct your spelling
modern
 dances
people
Use synonyms
 who
between
Add a missing verb
are between
show examples
 11 and 16 prefer it.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, tap
dance
Use synonyms
 students who
under
Add a missing verb
are under
show examples
 11 to 16 almost like it, about 430 students.
Overall
Linking Words
, we could say that private studios
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the best in comparison with other places.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words dance, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • attendance
  • community centers
  • dance schools
  • private studios
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • ballroom
  • analysis
  • popularity
  • accessibility
  • cost
  • cultural trends
  • media influences
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