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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

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These days, parents are purchasing a considerable number of
toys
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 for their
children
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.
Although
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this
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 has some drawbacks for
children
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 with many
toys
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, I believe that its benefits weigh much more. On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks.
First,
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having a large number of
toys
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 may indeed reduce communication with others. When they are provided with plenty of
toys
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 to play with,
children
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 prefer to isolate themselves in their rooms and engage with the individual’s gaming items. Thereby, they tend to be alone, and in the future, face communication challenges in society.
Second,
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those
children
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 might not be grateful when they have every toy they want, they misunderstand its value, so it could lead to a lack of appreciation for what they have.
However
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, parents can teach their
children
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 to be grateful and motivate them to play with others to diminish these effects.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 development has significant benefits for
children
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. Playing with
toys
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 makes them creative. Playing with certain
toys
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 like puzzles or Legos can help them acquire a creative attitude and influence their future perspectives.
In addition
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, they can learn from their playthings. Every toy is a sample of real objects,
such
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 as a variety of cards, medicine, medical equipment, or sewing tools, and making them become familiar with the real world.
Therefore
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, they can understand their passions and interests, which aids them
to
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in
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 choosing their future careers. In conclusion, I believe there are more valuable advantages than disadvantages
in
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to
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 having a large number of
toys
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 for
children
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 because
this
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 can help them to become more creative and familiar with their surroundings.

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task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and show a deeper level of engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are as smooth as possible. Although the essay is quite coherent, refining the flow can make your writing even more engaging and easier to follow.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and the thesis, outlining the main arguments of the essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with well-defined paragraphs that each address specific points regarding the advantages and disadvantages of children having a large number of toys.
task achievement
Main points are supported with relevant reasoning, making the arguments more robust and easier to follow.
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