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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

#topic #parents #children #toys
These days, parents are purchasing a considerable number of
toys
 for their
children
.
Although
this
 has some drawbacks for
children
 with many
toys
, I believe that its benefits weigh much more. On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks.
First,
having a large number of
toys
 may indeed reduce communication with others. When they are provided with plenty of
toys
 to play with,
children
 prefer to isolate themselves in their rooms and engage with the individual’s gaming items. Thereby, they tend to be alone, and in the future, face communication challenges in society.
Second,
those
children
 might not be grateful when they have every toy they want, they misunderstand its value, so it could lead to a lack of appreciation for what they have.
However
, parents can teach their
children
 to be grateful and motivate them to play with others to diminish these effects.
On the other hand
,
this
 development has significant benefits for
children
. Playing with
toys
 makes them creative. Playing with certain
toys
 like puzzles or Legos can help them acquire a creative attitude and influence their future perspectives.
In addition
, they can learn from their playthings. Every toy is a sample of real objects,
such
 as a variety of cards, medicine, medical equipment, or sewing tools, and making them become familiar with the real world.
Therefore
, they can understand their passions and interests, which aids them
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 choosing their future careers. In conclusion, I believe there are more valuable advantages than disadvantages
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 having a large number of
toys
 for
children
 because
this
 can help them to become more creative and familiar with their surroundings.
Submitted by mmlohibi on

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task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and show a deeper level of engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitions between paragraphs and ideas are as smooth as possible. Although the essay is quite coherent, refining the flow can make your writing even more engaging and easier to follow.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states the topic and the thesis, outlining the main arguments of the essay effectively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with well-defined paragraphs that each address specific points regarding the advantages and disadvantages of children having a large number of toys.
task achievement
Main points are supported with relevant reasoning, making the arguments more robust and easier to follow.
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