Some people think that the best way to reduce the time spent in travelling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion
It is a common belief that public areas
such
as big parks and green places
in cities
should be replaced by apartments or houses due to
reduce commuter's travel time. However
, there is a more persuasive argument that cities
should not be concentrated with
full of buildings as there could Change preposition
apply
have
serious problems.
There are a number of issues that constructing new residential areas is good for citizens who commute Verb problem
be
everyday
to save their money and time Replace the word
every day
instead
having
more greenery Change preposition
of having
places
. This
is because they can focus on their work and can have more time with their families. Recent studies have shown that the life quality of commuters, who have shorter distance
from their Fix the agreement mistake
distances
work place
, is much higher than Correct your spelling
workplace
people
who have longer working distance
.
Despite the aforementioned arguments, I stand by the fact that Fix the agreement mistake
distances
cities
must not be filled with residential apartments. If it is full of buildings, population
will Add an article
the population
be increasing
significantly and it can lead to serious Wrong verb form
increase
problem
. The primary factor is housing Fix the agreement mistake
problems
price
rising as Fix the agreement mistake
prices
concentrated
population could affect the price of houses. Another reason is that it can lead to unbalanced development between big Correct article usage
a concentrated
cities
and countryside
. An appropriate example of Correct article usage
the countryside
this
is by spreading population
to rural areas some Correct article usage
the population
country sides
could be developed in Korea. Correct your spelling
countrysides
Additionally
, there should be public places
where people
can recharge their batteries and release their stress in the city center
.
In conclusion, Change the spelling
centre
While
it is apparent that the
more apartments and houses are needed for commuters, it is evident that some public Correct article usage
apply
places
should be remained
Wrong verb form
remain
due to
spreading people
to other
side of the city and it is essential to have some greenery parks where Correct article usage
the other
people
can reduce their stress hormones.Submitted by hmhy0326 on
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task achievement
The essay provides a relatively complete response to the prompt, discussing both views and giving an opinion. However, there is room for improvement in the clarity and depth of the ideas presented. For instance, you can elaborate more on how apartments will concretely benefit commuters and explore additional adverse effects of urban overcrowding.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow between ideas can be refined. Use more linking words and phrases to enhance the coherence of the argument, such as 'on the other hand', 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'consequently'.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to bolster your arguments better. For example, you could cite specific cities that successfully maintained green spaces while managing housing needs or those that suffered from issues due to overdevelopment. This would make your argument more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states both perspectives on the issue and provides a thesis statement that expresses your opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively acknowledges counterarguments, which strengthens your position and demonstrates critical thinking.
supported main points
It is good that you cover the benefits of having apartments near workplaces and the importance of green spaces in urban areas.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.