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Writing Samples /
Band 5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
In our everyday
lives
,
people
 naturally take a lot of
risks
.
People
 cannot always avoid
risks
 even if they want to. Facing the
problem
 and dealing with it will be
hard
Add an article
a hard
show examples
 process but it gives a lot of advantages to us, so I agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
 the benefits of taking
risks
 outweigh the disadvantages.
First,
the experience of taking difficulties is mandatory for our growth and success. In personal
lives
for example
, when children learn how to ride a bike, getting off
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the bike and digging down to the road is
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
 process until they make a success for riding a bicycle. Children who don't want to take these
risks
 and
afraid
Add a missing verb
are afraid
show examples
 of them cannot ride a bicycle
at the end
. So when
people
 overcome
fear
Add an article
the fear
a fear
show examples
 of
risks
 and try it, they can grow more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past.
Second,
experiencing hardships can be a motivation or turning point for
people
.
For instance
, in professional
lives
Add a comma
lives,
show examples
 employee can make up their work in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong way and be scolded by their bosses.
Although
 workers feel really bad and depressed at the moment,
this
 is a chance
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 can realize the exact and correct way to solve the
problem
. And they will try not to make
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 same mistakes in the future. In conclusion,
people
 think taking
risks
 is negative for their
lives
 but in
real
Replace the word
reality
show examples
, it is totally not. Facing difficulties is
natural
Add an article
a natural
show examples
 and essential process in our
lives
 and it makes
people
 mature.
Also
 after getting some tips for how to deal with the
problem
then
people
 will try harder not to experience the same
problem
. Going through a lot of hardships is a blessing, not an unluck.
Submitted by starmino0113 on

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your thesis in the introduction. Although you expressed agreement, specifying which advantages outweigh the disadvantages directly would be more impactful.
task achievement
Try to develop your main points with more comprehensive and detailed supporting examples. For instance, the professional risk example could benefit from further elaboration.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the clarity and variety of your sentence structures. Use complex and compound sentences to avoid repetition and improve readability.
coherence cohesion
Ensure logical flow and clear connections between paragraphs. Transitional phrases can be used to better link your ideas from one paragraph to the next.
task achievement
Your essay stays on topic and provides relevant points throughout.
task achievement
The examples given make your argument more specific and relatable.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay, including introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, is well-organized.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your position.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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