Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is an ongoing debate involving the purpose of
museums
.
While
some
people
think
museums
are a place
that
Correct word choice
where
show examples
everyone can enjoy themselves, I believe the primary purpose of
museums
should be education. On the one hand, some
people
think
museums
are places entertaining
visitors
because they are viewed as the primary local attractions by
visitors
. Local
museums
will hold a lot of activities or exhibitions to attract more tourists.
For example
, the Chinese Science
Museum
often holds interesting experiments, attracting children and their parents to
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
.
While
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
provide
visitors
with enjoyable
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
by holding fascinating events, the main purpose of
museums
is to encourage
people
to learn more about history and science.
For instance
, the employee of
museums
teaches chemical
knowledge
to
students
by showing the element
exhibits
.
As a result
,
students
will be attracted by
exhibits
and deeply understand relevant
knowledge
.
On the other hand
,
museums
primarily play
a
Change the article
an
show examples
important role in education.
Firstly
,
museums
can help
students
comprehensively understand the relevant
knowledge
because the
exhibits
in
museums
can help
student
Add an article
the student
show examples
visualize their
knowledge
.
For example
,
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
know dinosaurs are big from textbooks, but they do not know how big they are in real life.
As a result
, the fossils in
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
can present the real size of dinosaurs for them.
Furthermore
,
museum
Add an article
the museum
show examples
is a primary channel to promote local history and culture by showing relevant
exhibits
to the public. Many
museums
often
hires
Change the verb form
hire
show examples
professional guides to describe the background story about
exhibits
, supporting
visitors
to deeply understand local history and culture. In conclusion,
while
museums
entertains
Change the verb form
entertain
show examples
people
by holding a lot of interesting activities, I think that
museums
primarily aim to educate,
such
as educating
students
and culture promotion.
Submitted by dingjc867328784 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a clearer organization and transition between ideas. Try to make the structure more apparent by summarizing the main points at the beginning and end of the essay. Additionally, work on refining paragraph transitions to enhance the flow of ideas.
Task Response
Although you make relevant points, your arguments would be stronger with more detailed examples and clearer elaboration. Ensure all examples are directly tied to the point you're making.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider rechecking your language usage and sentence structure. There are some inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that may detract from the overall clarity of your essay.
Task Response
Your essay addresses both views on the purpose of museums and gives a clear personal opinion, fulfilling the task requirement well.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and reinforces your opinion, which helps to frame the discussion coherently.
Task Response
You provide examples that are relevant to your arguments, which helps to illustrate your points.

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