Full- time students should not spend a lot of time on studying, but the should be involved in other activities too. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Recently, since many students often spend a high amount of their
time
studying, it is believed that they should participate in other
activities
and events
instead
of studying for the whole
time
. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
point of view. First and foremost, people should recognize the fact that learning for a long
time
could be harmful for themselves. It is obvious that people should not stay too long at their table just to study, their body and their physical health will become so weak.
Also
with their mental health, they will not have any motivation, if they do not join any
activities
. And absolutely becomes stressful. In many cases of suicide
Add a comma
,
show examples
the reason is being forced to study too much and being stressed was recorded
On the other hand
, the reason why I advocate those who believe students should participate in
activities
is that there are many advantages to
this
. There is no denying that student will have more
time
to rest and play, which means that their mental and physical health can be promoted. They will feel that studying is easy and not stressful.
Moreover
, they would have
time
to explore and experience new things from the world outside,
this
can even widen their knowledge about other fields, from that they can improve all their aspects.
For instance
, by joining a volunteer, you can experience new things on your own and receive new lessons from life. In conclusion, I totally agree that students should join more events and
activities
to explore and find new,
instead
of studying the whole
time
, which could be a dangerous potential for them.
Submitted by phamnhung275 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and is well-developed with supporting details.
task achievement
Some sentences could be rephrased for clarity. For example, 'And absolutely becomes stressful' could be 'This inevitably leads to high levels of stress.'
task achievement
Avoid using informal language like 'absolutely' in formal essays. Instead, use more academic language.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples, such as mentioning volunteer work.
task achievement
Main points are well-supported and the argument is logical.

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    • Sentence 2 - Example
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
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