IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #work #organisation #life #organisations
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There are a lot of advantages and disadvantages
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 working in the same
organisation
 or a different
organisation
.
However
, people have to choose which types of
work
 will suit their life, behaviour or personality. Let's discuss many points below.
Firstly
, working at the same
organisation
 is quite easy for people who don't need to change their attitude or personality as much.
For example
, my parents have been working in only one
organisation
 and they understand the entire company
,
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 and know how to manage each college or employee that will suit the business direction of
organisation
Add an article
the organisation
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. I believe that my father
expertises
Verb problem
is expert
show examples
 in his
work
 by knowing almost the process in the company, and understanding what is expected from his
organisation
.
On the other hand
, I realise that my parents feel very bored because of the same process or environment over their whole life.
However
, working in various companies lets you find new things and reduces
this
 kind of feeling. When you change your job or move from one to another,
this
 is a challenging movement you have to learn.
For instance
, I worked in the sports market for 2 years and know almost all the management in the companies. So, I decided to resign and move to
work
 in the agency business. Because of the new journey, I have to shift my knowledge to learn new things every day.
Furthermore
, I believe that
this
 type of
work
 will improve
myself
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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for
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my working life.
Although
 you have a challenging job, you will not be an expert in any business. You will have wide information, not in detail. In my view, I would love many challenges and choose the second choice, working in different organisations.
Submitted by matty10 on

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task response
The essay does well by presenting both sides of the argument. However, the introduction could be clearer about what the essay will cover. Consider providing a more direct thesis statement to outline the discussion points.
coherence cohesion
The points made in the essay are logical and relevant, but the transitions between points sometimes lack smoothness. Using clearer connectors and transition words could enhance the logical flow.
task response
Some sections lack sufficient detail and sophistication. More specific examples and deeper analysis could improve the richness of the content.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, the conclusion feels abrupt and could be more comprehensive in summarizing the points made.
task response
The essay discusses both perspectives clearly and presents a personal opinion towards the end, which is essential for a well-rounded argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with examples from personal experience, lending credibility to the arguments.
coherence cohesion
The writing style is natural and conversational, making it easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Longevity
  • Corporate ladder
  • Adaptability
  • Comfort zone
  • Professional network
  • Diverse skill set
  • Industry exposure
  • Innovation
  • Resilience
  • Seniority
  • Job market
  • Career trajectory
  • Company culture
  • Professional growth
  • Job security
  • Promotion prospects
  • Cross-functional experience
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