IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#position #women #society #twenty #years #people #delinquency #fact #work #home #care #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The position of
women
Use synonyms
 in society has indeed changed significantly over the past two decades, with an increasing number of married
women
Use synonyms
 joining the workforce.
This
Linking Words
 shift has sparked a debate about its impact on young people, particularly concerning issues like juvenile
delinquency
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 some argue that the absence of
mothers
Use synonyms
 at home contributes to these problems, I believe
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint is overly simplistic and does not consider other important factors.
Firstly
Linking Words
, attributing juvenile
delinquency
Use synonyms
 solely to the employment of married
women
Use synonyms
 overlooks the multifaceted nature of
this
Linking Words
 issue. In fact, juvenile
delinquency
Use synonyms
 can result from various factors
such
Linking Words
 as socioeconomic conditions, peer influence, lack of educational opportunities, and inadequate social support systems.
Besides
Linking Words
, it is essential to recognize that not all families where
mothers
Use synonyms
 work experience problems with
delinquency
Use synonyms
, indicating that other elements play a crucial role.
Moreover
Linking Words
, working
mothers
Use synonyms
 can have a positive influence on their
children
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, employed
women
Use synonyms
 often contribute significantly to the family's financial stability, which can enhance the
overall
Linking Words
 quality of life and provide better opportunities for their
children
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, working
mothers
Use synonyms
 serve as role models, demonstrating the importance of hard work, independence, and balancing multiple responsibilities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the idea that
children
Use synonyms
 suffer
due to
Linking Words
 the absence of their
mothers
Use synonyms
 at home underestimates the role of fathers and other caregivers. To be more precise, in modern society, parenting is increasingly seen as a shared responsibility.
Therefore
Linking Words
, fathers are more involved in child-rearing than ever before, and many families rely on their extended family members,
such
Linking Words
 as grandparents, or professional childcare services to support their
children
Use synonyms
's development.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 collective approach to childcare can mitigate the potential negative effects of both parents working. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 the rise in the number of working
women
Use synonyms
 is a notable societal change, it is not the primary cause of juvenile
delinquency
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 complex issue must be addressed by considering a range of factors, including economic, social, and educational influences.
Thus
Linking Words
, I disagree with the opinion that the employment of
women
Use synonyms
 is a key driver of young people's problems today.
Submitted by Nastaran_zandy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay presents a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant arguments. To further strengthen your task achievement, consider expanding on examples to make your points more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows logically and your argument is easy to follow. However, ensure that all paragraphs are well-developed and transitions are smooth to enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Although the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points, consider reinforcing your final message with a stronger closing sentence to leave a lasting impression.
task achievement
You have provided a comprehensive response to the prompt by addressing the complexity of the issue and presenting a balanced viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with clear arguments, demonstrating a thorough understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • evolution
  • domestic roles
  • diverse professional engagements
  • dual-working parents
  • family dynamics
  • juvenile delinquency
  • societal and economic factors
  • dual-income households
  • childcare methods
  • community support systems
  • gender roles
  • family responsibilities
  • professional aspirations
  • development needs
  • correlation
  • simplistic causation
  • workplace policies
  • flexible hours
  • parental leave
  • gender equality
  • role models
  • successful womanhood
What to do next:
Look at other essays: