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Band 4.5

Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

#people #governments #money #computer #technology #support
In the cutting-edge era, most people have the viewpoint that the higher authorities of every nation should consider innovative
technology
 as a top priority
while
 making a budget for their
country
,
however
,
according to
 opponents' perspective, expenditures on the primary necessities of life are required to be higher. I have the same point of view with the latter opinion which I will
further
 elaborate on in
this
 essay. The paramount reason to be taken into consideration for spending funds on rudimentary needs is that the development of every
country
 depends upon the lifestyle of the inhabitants of that
country
,
therefore
 if every citizen can easily fulfil their basic demands of eating and living under a perfect roof, the
country
 will automatically grow. To illustrate
this
, there are topmost
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 nations have access to great
technology
,
however
, an ample of beggars can be easily found on roads
who are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
begging for basic things
such
 as food, shelter or even clothes. It shows to outsiders how much
this
country
 needs support
besides
 the higher innovations in
technology
.
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
show examples
further
, the rate of unemployment is extremely
accelrating
Correct your spelling
accelerating
 day by day in the whole world
due to
 the introduction of a tech-savvy culture,
consequently
, it contributes
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 pressure on
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to support people and it minimises the tax that common citizens pay for the growth of economy budget,
hence
, the higher spendings on
technology
 has no worth for regime
instead
 it lowers their economy
due to
 less taxable income of the
country
.
For instance
, if the workload of
renowned
Add an article
the renowned
a renowned
show examples
 organization is handled by robotics, it needs to hire a few workers only, which leads to
lowering
Correct article usage
a lowering
show examples
 the job opportunities, which not only affects the local people but
also
 the government since there will be no taxpayer for contribute to the revenue of the
country
. In conclusion,
although
technology
 is important
according to
one-third
Add an article
the one-third
a one-third
show examples
 proportion of the
country
,
this
 is eclipsed by the benefits of spending on main requirements by allowing more growth to countries.
Therefore
, the higher authorities should make more budget for these things only which assists their economic growth as well.
Submitted by BUTTAR on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, which supports a clear structure. However, the essay should strive to use more precise and less repetitive language throughout to improve coherence.
task achievement
The points are generally clear but occasionally lack depth and comprehensive explanation. Expanding on the main ideas with more detailed examples would provide greater insight and strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a complete response to the task, discussing both viewpoints and clearly stating a personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
There is a good attempt at structuring the essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps guide the reader logically through the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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