IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

People believe that arts like painting and music does not directly improve the quality of life, and therefore they think government’s money should be spent on other things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #arts #music #quality #life #government’s #money
some
people
 think that some fields like art which
inculde
Correct your spelling
include
 painting and music
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not directly
inhance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 the
quality
 of
life
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should spend their
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 other things.Well, there are
people
 who agree with
this
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
 and others who
are disagree
Change the verb form
disagree
show examples
. On the one hand,
people
 who are for
this
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
 have their own reasons.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 example, they say that art is a minor thing that can be replaced because
people
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a long time
had
Rephrase
ago had
show examples
 a good
quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 without knowing about arts like music and painting.
Anothe
Correct your spelling
Another
 example is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they say the government’s
money
 can be spent to improve
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of facilities like
hospitles
Correct your spelling
hospitals
 and
unvirsities
Correct your spelling
universities
 and to feed poor
people
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
world wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
show examples
.
On the other hand
, there are
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
people
 who
against
Add a missing verb
are against
show examples
this
 idea and have some reasons that are
intresting
Correct your spelling
interesting
.First of all,they say that art can improve the
quality
 of
life
 by giving some
people
 jobs and that can
dicreased
Correct your spelling
decrease
decreased
 the number of unemployment.
Moreover
, their
reackon
Correct your spelling
reaction
reckon
 arts
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
major
Add an article
a major
show examples
 thing
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
 because they can improve the imagination of some
civilinces
Correct your spelling
civilians
 and
inhance
Correct your spelling
enhance
 their ability to think and spending
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 sort of
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
show examples
 by the government is not
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
money
 but the
obesite
Correct your spelling
obesity
obese
 it can lead to a huge financial profit to the country.
To conclude
 we can say that there are
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
people
 who agree and disagree with
this
statment
Correct your spelling
statement
.In my opinion, I fully agree with it because I don't see
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 as a thing that can be
usfull
Correct your spelling
useful
 to
inhance
Correct your spelling
enhance
life
quality
 and spending
money
 to improve other things is more useful to the country in general.
Submitted by yousefreyad55 on

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general
Ensure correct grammar and punctuation use throughout the essay. Several sentences are missing spaces after periods and commas. Verbs and nouns should also agree in number.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay. Plan and organize your paragraphs more coherently, ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Avoid repetitive phrases such as 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand.'
task achievement
Provide more relevant specific examples to support your points more robustly. This will increase the strength of your argument and demonstrate your ability to provide concrete evidence.
task achievement
Use clear and comprehensive ideas by expounding on each point you've made. Provide additional explanation and detail to ensure your argument is well-understood and persuasive.
task achievement
You understood the task and structured the essay with an introduction, body, and conclusion, which addresses the prompt effectively.
task achievement
You attempted to present both sides of the argument, showing consideration for different perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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