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Band 5

Nowadays many people complain that they have difficulties getting enough sleep. What problems can lack of sleep cause? What can be done about lack of sleep?

#people #difficulties #lack
Sleep deprivation has
became
Change the form of the verb
become
show examples
 a common disorder
which
Correct word choice
that which
show examples
 young generation experienced lately. Unhealthy daily
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 and extreme mental pressure could be the cause of
this
 phenomenon.
This
 essay will discuss what
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 could arise if people continuously
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 insomnia and what the solutions for that
.
Add a missing verb
are.
show examples
 There are several health risks following sleep deprivation. The risks
divide
Wrong verb form
are divided
show examples
 into 2
symptoms
, common/
short term
Add a hyphen
short-term
show examples
symptom
Fix the agreement mistake
symptoms
show examples
 and severe
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
. The
short term
Add a hyphen
short-term
show examples
symptom
Fix the agreement mistake
symptoms
show examples
 include fatigue, headaches, irritability, trouble
focus
Change the form of the verb
focusing
show examples
, and even slow reaction
time
. These
symptoms
 would not harm our health directly,
hence
 would affect
moreover
 disturb our daily life greatly.
Whereas the
Correct word choice
The
show examples
 severe
symptoms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 stronger
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
,
such
 as microsleep, trouble speaking clearly, hand
tremor
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tremors
show examples
, reckless behavior, and the most dangerous
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
visual and tactile hallucination. The combination of all those
symptoms
 will cloud our thinking and judgment
then
 eventually lead to another serious mental health problem,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and many others.
Therefore
, it is crucial to keep
tracking
Replace the word
track
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how much we sleep.
For having
Change preposition
To have
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 enough
time
 to sleep, we have to shift our routine. Abandon unhealthy
late night
Add a hyphen
late-night
show examples
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
such
 as gaming or other unnecessary activities. Set a fixed
time
 to sleep at night and
awake
Correct your spelling
wake
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the next morning, the ideal sleeping period for
adult
Add an article
an adult
show examples
 is around 6 - 8 hours. At the same
time
,
also
 fix our daily
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
such
 as
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
 more
balance
Correct your spelling
balanced
show examples
 food and
doing exercise
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
 regularly. These habits will build up a strong and peaceful mind to help
we
Correct pronoun usage
us
show examples
 sleep in a better quality at night.
At
Change the preposition
In
show examples
 the end, sleep deprivation could be treated by doing
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 daily routine.
Hence
 if the
symptoms
 continue severely
then
 immediately call for
professional's
Correct article usage
a professional's
show examples
 help and take medication if needed.
Submitted by annisaseptidwiyanti on

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task achievement
The essay generally addresses the task prompt effectively and provides a complete response. However, try to include more specific examples to better illustrate the points made.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, ensure logical transitions between ideas to improve the overall flow. For example, the transition between short-term and severe symptoms can be made smoother.
coherence cohesion
Some grammatical errors and awkward phrases are present that could be refined for higher clarity. For instance, "Sleep deprivation has became" should be "Sleep deprivation has become," and "help we sleep" should be "help us sleep." These minor corrections can boost readability.
introduction conclusion present
The essay's introduction clearly identifies the problem and sets up the discussion effectively.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion provides a concise summary and offers a solution, which strengthens the essay's cohesiveness.
supported main points
The essay addresses multiple aspects of sleep deprivation, including both the short-term and severe symptoms.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Insomnia
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Sleep disorders
  • Sleep quality
  • Fatigue
  • Exhaustion
  • Restless
  • Restorative sleep
  • REM sleep
  • Circadian rhythm
  • Sleep hygiene
  • Napping
  • Sleep duration
  • Melatonin
  • Sleep-inducing
  • Drowsiness
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Obstructive sleep apnea
  • Snoring
  • Sleepwalking
  • Sleep talking
  • Shift work
  • Sleeping pills
  • Sleep aid
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Meditation
  • Deep breathing
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