IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often believed that the most significant thing that wealth gives
people
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 is helping others. I partially agree with
this
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, for it promotes the health and happiness of those who suffer from some problems regardless of the fact that rich
people
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 should make more contributions to boosting the national
economy
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. On the one hand, it is essential that wealthy individuals should support other
people
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 so they are able to have a more satisfactory life.
In other words
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, their financial and material support often plays a critical role in saving individual lives.
For instance
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, Maezawa, a Japanese entrepreneur, sent hundreds of canned and instant food to Indonesia in 2016, where the food shortage had been an emergent social issue for a decade.
Such
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 conducts of his kindness were hugely welcomed by the native
people
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, who managed to make a life each day.
Consequently
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, the food supply not only reduced their feeling of anxiety but
also
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 made them smile, encouraging them to have hopes and dreams.
Furthermore
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, many Indonesian children were encouraged to participate in educational activities, from which they learned the necessary skills and knowledge so they could improve their standard of living on their own.
On the other hand
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, providing support to others would not be important since those with a financial advantage are more expected to improve the
economy
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 of their countries. Indeed, the investment in future productions and services from rich
people
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 will make them more realistic, creating more profitable businesses.
This
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 is well-illustrated by Steve Jobs, an American business person who invested in smartphones since his incredible financial contribution has led to their successful production, which has attracted a number of global customers with revolutionary services including playing games and socializing online. Since his investment in modern technology, the GDP in the United States has risen dramatically by nearly 30%, making his country more prosperous and appealing. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that it is the very responsibility of the rich to help others because of their immense effects on
people
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 who suffer from poverty.
People
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 are able to be fed well
as well as
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 take an active approach to pursue their dreams.
However
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, their role in the
economy
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 is essential as the national
economy
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 is often reliant on their continuous investment in potential projects.

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task response
Your introduction is effective but could be more concise. Consider briefly stating both sides before presenting your thesis statement.
coherence cohesion
Work on your transitions to ensure every paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. For example, the transition between the two main body paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view with clear reasoning, which enhances your task achievement score.
task achievement
The inclusion of specific examples, such as Maezawa's charity work and Steve Jobs' investment in technology, strengthens your argument significantly.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and restates the thesis, which is good for cohesion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • wealthy
  • financial resources
  • philanthropy
  • charitable organizations
  • donations
  • fundraising
  • support
  • initiatives
  • contribute
  • fulfillment
  • purpose
  • selfless
  • altruistic
  • prioritize
  • personal gain
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