IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that sports must be included in the school curriculum. However, others hold the opinion that it shouldn’t be there as it can lead to wasting time, which can be utilised for more effective academic training.

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It is universally acknowledged that the educational system is an inseparable part of minors’ life and through
educating
Replace the word
education
show examples
, they will be trained not only scientifically but
also
Linking Words
 characteristically. It is argued that
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 curriculum,
in addition
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 to the scientific subjects, should be involved with physical education (
P
Use synonyms
.
E
Use synonyms
) too.
However
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,
this
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 notion has some advocates and opponents.
This
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate
both
Change preposition
on both
show examples
 sides
defends
Verb problem
apply
show examples
and reveal my orientation too. It is undeniable that the tendency towards
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle has dramatically soared, and in order to prevent it from penetrating
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new generations’ lifestyles permanently; adding the
P
Use synonyms
.
E
Use synonyms
 to
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 syllabus would be a practical idea. In the modern era, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
light of the fact that technology has affected citizens’ lives, mobility has been eliminated.
For example
Linking Words
, most of the bank-related activities can be done at home with mobile.
Thus
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
P.
Correct your spelling
P.E.
E
Use synonyms
 class is a brilliant opportunity for
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 generation to pay
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
careful attention to their health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and makes it a habit for their future lives, to avoid
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
different types of diseases
such
Linking Words
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heart attack, diabetes and obesity issues.
On the contrary
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, from opponents’ points of view, they consider sports as a leisure activity which differs from the academic subjects.
As a result
Linking Words
, it could deviate pupils’
attentions
Fix the agreement mistake
attention
show examples
 and is not parallel with school-related lessons.
For instance
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, students who have a volleyball or soccer class are more energetic and concentrating on the rest of their lessons
such
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 as math or physics would be impossible and they would be exhausted
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their physical activities.
In addition
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, pupils have various
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
show examples
 and they cannot participate in
P
Use synonyms
.
E
Use synonyms
 class.
Consequently
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, they will lose some marks in
this
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 subject and
appeals
Correct subject-verb agreement
appeal
show examples
 to
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
. I remember my sports teacher always went down my mark
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of tension. In conclusion, the necessity of sport is unavoidable, especially in the technological era. In recent times, doctors
encourage
Wrong verb form
have encouraged
show examples
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 to participate in physical activities more than past and they put a lot of effort
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 habituating
working
Correct word choice
and working
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 out. I believe that involving
P
Use synonyms
.
E
Use synonyms
 in
syllabus
Correct article usage
the syllabus
show examples
 could reduce
this
Linking Words
 challenge for
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 generation.

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relevant specific examples
Work on providing more relevant and specific examples to back up your points. For instance, mentioning studies or statistics related to physical education's benefits could strengthen your argument.
clear comprehensive ideas
Some arguments could be clarified for better comprehension. For example, explain more on why some students might find it hard to concentrate on academic subjects after sports activities.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the discussion well.
logical structure
The logical structure of the essay is coherent, with points organized in a manner that is easy to follow.
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