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Writing Samples
Band 5

Children are under more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

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In
this
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 day and age,
myriad
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a myriad
the myriad
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 of kids are facing huge pressures,
due to
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 academic, social and commercial aspects. The main reason for
that is
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 parent’s effects
in
Change preposition
on
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children
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’s
choice
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choices
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, but possible solutions to
this
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 might be
classes
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 or seminars for
children
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 and for mothers and fathers. The principal problem associated with moms and dads trying to intervene in young people’s preference. In
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 situations
such
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 as “choosing
profession
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a profession
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”
parents
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 want to
do
Verb problem
save
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 themselves
from
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for
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 their
children
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 or they are into giving
a
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apply
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life to their dreams which they can not do at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age. The result of
this
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 often misunderstanding between
parents
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 and child,
also
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 destruction
child’s
Correct article usage
the child’s
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 future ambitions.
For example
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, Google surveys found that 85 per cent of individuals choose their profession, owing to that their
parents
Use synonyms
 work in
this
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 type of vocation and only 15% of students are satisfied with their life’s work. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government should open more seminars and
classes
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 which can be taken place to educate families about
pressures
Correct article usage
the pressures
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to
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on
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young
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the young
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 generation. Many
children
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afraid
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are afraid
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 of telling
parents
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 what they actually prefer and want, and after these
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classes
Add a comma
classes,
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parents
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 have conversations about perspectives which are making life harder for kids.
For instance
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, researchers from different schools showed that 94% of
parents
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 have
discussion
Fix the agreement mistake
discussions
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 with youngsters after the seminar which makes it a good solution for the situation. In conclusion,
usually
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usually,
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children
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 have problems with
parent’s
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parents’
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 expectations and with their coercion,
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however
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however,
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 it can be addressed through different courses and
classes
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 for all family members. It is recommended for
parents
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 to attend
classes
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 about connecting with
children
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.

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task response
For a higher score, ensure that your ideas are fully developed and supported with more specific examples. It might also help to address possible counterarguments.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying the sentence structures and using more complex sentences to create a more sophisticated writing style. Also, be sure to avoid repetitive phrases.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use transitional phrases accurately to guide the reader through your arguments. This will improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, setting the stage for the arguments and summarizing the key points effectively.
coherence cohesion
The general structure is logical and easy to follow, and main points are identified and addressed.
task achievement
The essay shows a clear understanding of the task, discussing both the causes of pressure on children and suggesting possible solutions.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • academic pressure
  • globalized world
  • competitive education system
  • social media influences
  • cyberbullying
  • commercial pressures
  • aggressive marketing
  • materialistic desires
  • peer pressure
  • high expectations
  • standardized testing
  • quantifiable performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • extracurricular achievements
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