IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The statistics show that prior to the year 1960, less than half of one percent of adolescents had been vegetarians.

#statistics #show #year #half #percent #adolescents #vegetarians
The statistics show that prior to the
year
 1960, less than half of one
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
adolescents
 had been vegetarians. Consumption of vegetarian foods
also
 gradually
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
show examples
 among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adolescents
 and reached
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 plateau of 15% in
year
Change the article
the year
show examples
 1980 among teenagers.
This
 is the time that the most considerable increase of vegetarians among
UK
adolescents
 was recorded. Shifting gears, after 1980, the proportion of vegetarian
adolescents
 failed to increase as it did before 1980 and
instead
 started decreasing. The proportion had come down to about 7% by 1990 and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
further
 was reduced to about 4 % by the
year
 1995.
This
 period witnessed a significant decline in the dietary trends that involved vegetarianism
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 teenagers. The graph that was prepared based on the survey data depicting the percentage of adolescent vegetarians
also
 reveals that there are slight oscillations in
this
 index between 1995 and 2005. It oscillated up and down and was even with the 5% threshold at its midway point;
thus
, it can be said that there was no clear trend either up or down in the percentage. Starting from the
year
 2005, there was a slight increment in the percentage of vegetarian
adolescents
 again. In a survey conducted among the
adolescents
 in
UK
 in 2015, the number was slightly higher; around 10% showed that vegetarianism was popular among
UK
 youths again. It
however
 looks as though in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years there has been an acceptance of vegetarian diets. The plot shows a pattern of shifts in
magnitude
Add an article
the magnitude
show examples
 of the share of
UK
adolescents
 that absorbed vegetarian diets over the lifespan of six decades. It drew a steep increase from 1960 to 1980, a huge drop till
Change the article
the mid
show examples
mid 1990s
Add a hyphen
mid-1990s
show examples
. Since
then
 there have been
minima
Replace the word
minimal
show examples
 variations and the gradual climb from 2005 to 2020, in a number of changes that depict the alteration of diet preference by
adolescents
.
Submitted by moon2014angel on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay covers the key points of the data effectively, but it would benefit from a stronger introduction and conclusion to frame the discussion more clearly.
task achievement
Clarify some of the vague phrases and ensure more precise use of language. For example, 'a further was reduced' could be 'it further reduced'.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure, it could be improved by explicitly summarizing the key trends in your concluding sentence.
task achievement
You have included specific observations from each time period, which demonstrates a good grasp of the data.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows logically and each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!