IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping malls to do their shopping. Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, in some certain
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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, especially in
Correct article usage
the countrysides
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countrysides
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countryside
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, lots of small local
shops
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 have closed
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
.
This
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 case happens because most
of
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apply
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people
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 prefer to buy necessities in supermarkets. Some groups think that
this
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 is not important whether the
people
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 go shopping at local
shops
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 or large shopping malls,
whereas
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 others argue that it causes some disadvantages, both for the
people
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 and the
environment
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. In my opinion, I firmly agree that
this
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 can
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result
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results
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results in
results from
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 negative impacts
to
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and the
environment
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.
To begin
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 with, small local shop owners will lose their source of income if their
shops
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 are closed.
This
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 leads
poverty
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to poverty
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 in some areas where the
people
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 mostly have their own stores.
Therefore
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,
people
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 who are living in
a
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apply
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low-economic
condition
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conditions
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 will have difficulties in their
daily-life
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daily
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living
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life
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.
For instance
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, in
a
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the
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 village of Kalimantan, since the supermarket in the city near it has been completely built,
people
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 started to go there to buy
such
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equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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, goods, and even small necessities, making small store owners earn less money.
In addition
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, for the
environment
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, carbon gas
emmissions
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emissions
 produced by
vehicles
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such
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 as cars and motorcycles can be harmful. Since large shopping malls are mostly located in the cities,
people
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 are willing to put some effort
to get
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into getting
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 there, either by walking
,
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apply
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 or by riding
vehicles
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. If
vehicles
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 are used, they will produce carbon dioxides which causes global warming. As an example,
this
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 case has been happening in rural areas surrounding Jakarta for one decade, resulting
excessive
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in excessive
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 air pollution and a significant rise
of
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in
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 temperature in Jakarta.
Thus
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,
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vehicles
Change the noun form
vehicle
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 usage only
fo
Correct your spelling
for
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 getting
same
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the same
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 products in
far away
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faraway
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 places affects the
environment
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. In conclusion, it is better to shop in local markets nearby. Not only helping
people
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 to survive
,
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apply
show examples
 but
also
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 saving the
environment
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.
However
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, buying goods,
for example
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, in a big mall in the city is fine, if they are not available in those local
shops
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.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear opinion, which is great. However, further development of your arguments and inclusion of more specific examples would strengthen your response. For instance, you could elaborate on why small local shops are important to the social fabric of communities and how large shopping malls might disrupt this.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a distinct idea, which is good. However, some points feel repetitive or underdeveloped. Ensure each main point is clearly distinct and fully developed. Linking your points more cohesively would also improve the overall flow of your essay.
language
Some sentences are a bit awkward or unclear, such as 'some groups think that this is not important whether the people go shopping at local shops or large shopping malls'. Additionally, there are minor grammatical errors like 'lots of small local shops have closed due to lack of costumers'. Refining these sentences and paying attention to grammar would enhance readability and professionalism.
task achievement
You provide a clear opinion and support it with relevant points, such as the economic impact on small shop owners and the environmental consequences of increased vehicle use.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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