IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the teenagers should concentrate all subjects at school. Others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject they are best at or they are most interested in. To what extend do you agree?

#people #teenagers #subjects #school #focus
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In today's
world
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world,
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 teenagers have a lot of ambitions. Most of their ambitions start during their time of studying in schools. In most cases, they find their love of doing something or anything studying and experiencing a new
subject
 or activity in schools. Now, some of them believe that focusing on the things that they are good at will benefit them in the future or a good investment in themselves.
On the other
hand
, some believe that focusing on all
subjects
 will be better for them. Today I am going to compare both scenarios by comparing both of them. First of all, let’s talk about teenagers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 believe they should
focus
 on all
school
subjects
. Focusing
in
Change preposition
on
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 all
subjects
 will for sure increase
them
Correct pronoun usage
their
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in
Change preposition
apply
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knowledge and experience.
For example
; let's say a
school
 that has a total of seven
subjects
 and a
student
 will
focus
 on all of them. For sure they will gain more knowledge, but they won’t be as professional if they
focus
 on one or two
subjects
 that they are good at.
In addition
, they won’t exactly know what careers they will be focusing
after
Change preposition
on after
show examples
school
.
In
Change preposition
On
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 the other
hand
, it is actually a benefit for them in today’s system to
focus
 on all
subjects
 during
school
. Because, in today’s system if a teenage
student
 gets a
high-grade
Correct your spelling
high grade
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 average
overall
, they will be admitted or accepted in most universities and colleges. Which, will open many
career
 options for them to study after
school
. Second of all, let's talk about a teenage
student
 focusing on the
subject
 that they are good at. There are a lot of advantages of a teenager focusing on what they are good at.
For example
; they will know what
career
 paths to pick during their time in
school
, they will love what they will be doing, and they will be more innovative and create more ideas of the
subject
 they are good at. Disadvantages
on the other
hand
, as discussed earlier they won’t
be having
Wrong verb form
have
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 a
higher-grade
Correct your spelling
higher grade
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 average as compared to a teenage
student
 focusing on all
subjects
. To sum it up, there are many advantages and disadvantages for a teenage
student
 focusing on all
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
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 or a teenage
student
 focusing on the
subjects
 they are good at
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. They will both have their own
career
 paths. As I stated earlier, the teenager focusing on all
subjects
 will have played by the system correctly compared to the teenager that focused on the
subject
 that he or she is good
it
Correct your spelling
at
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other
hand
, the
student
 focusing on the
subject
 that he or she is good at will have a better
career
 path for knowing which
career
 path to take
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
during their studying time at
school
.
Submitted by ismailalmarri0 on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear comparison between the two perspectives. However, the points could be more thoroughly developed with a deeper analysis and more specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid repeating similar phrases or ideas. Ensure that each paragraph brings a distinct point to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by using transitional phrases to better connect different paragraphs and ideas. This will help in making your essay read more smoothly.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion, which frame the discussion nicely.
task achievement
You have made a good effort to address and compare both views in a balanced manner.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • well-rounded education
  • versatile skill set
  • personal development
  • future career opportunities
  • identify strengths
  • satisfying career
  • successful career
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • academic burnout
  • diverse curriculum
  • learning experience
  • engaging and stimulating
  • solid grounding
  • well-rounded individuals
  • diverse conversations
  • different perspectives
What to do next:
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