Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

These days, many
celebrities
gain fame for their excessive
wealth
and lavish lifestyles rather than their work.
While
some
people
believe that has raised concerns among many that it may set a negative example for young
people
, I disagree with
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
an opinion
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that. On the one hand, many
celebrities
are well-known for their glamorous lifestyle, which does not come from talent. These
celebrities
may achieve fame and
wealth
from their parents, partners, and families, or from being scandalous.
Furthermore
, their acting talent might be standard or below the average, but they are making a sensation to the public by showing their
wealth
and glamorous lifestyles.
For example
, young girls idolize famous models and actresses who flaunt their designer clothes, expensive jewellery, and luxurious vacations on social media. It is believed that the
behavior
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behaviour
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would be a negative influence
for
Change preposition
on
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young
people
as it teaches them to live unrealistically.
On the other hand
, there are
celebrities
who are popular for their unique talents or outstanding performances. These
people
have shown to the audience that they have reached success
due to
strong determination and hard work, and the public always
recognise
Change the verb form
recognises
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them for their mastery of arts and great achievements.
For instance
, athletes who have trained rigorously for years and have won medals and trophies deserve to enjoy the fruits of their
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
.
Therefore
, famous
people
such
as movie or sports stars can be role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
for young
people
in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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society. In conclusion, I think there are more discerning younger
people
than unwise ones. So they are not easily affected by just
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
; beautiful aura and
wealth
. They know which one to be emulated and
that is
the good qualities.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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task achievement
Work on ensuring clarity in your thesis statement. Your introduction has an unclear statement regarding your position, which could confuse readers. E.g., clarify if you agree or disagree with the opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by linking ideas more smoothly. Use transitional phrases better to connect your points. E.g., instead of "On the one hand," try "Firstly," or "Initially," and ensure it ties with the subsequent paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy and provide more diverse examples to support your points. E.g., the second body paragraph can benefit from more varied examples instead of focusing only on athletes.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples, particularly in showing contrasting types of celebrities and their influences on youth.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly wraps up your argument and reinforces your position well, showing a clear connection to the discussion points.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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