IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, many
celebrities
Use synonyms
 gain fame for their excessive
wealth
Use synonyms
 and lavish lifestyles rather than their work.
While
Linking Words
 some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that has raised concerns among many that it may set a negative example for young
people
Use synonyms
, I disagree with
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
an opinion
show examples
 that. On the one hand, many
celebrities
Use synonyms
 are well-known for their glamorous lifestyle, which does not come from talent. These
celebrities
Use synonyms
 may achieve fame and
wealth
Use synonyms
 from their parents, partners, and families, or from being scandalous.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, their acting talent might be standard or below the average, but they are making a sensation to the public by showing their
wealth
Use synonyms
 and glamorous lifestyles.
For example
Linking Words
, young girls idolize famous models and actresses who flaunt their designer clothes, expensive jewellery, and luxurious vacations on social media. It is believed that the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 would be a negative influence
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 as it teaches them to live unrealistically.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are
celebrities
Use synonyms
 who are popular for their unique talents or outstanding performances. These
people
Use synonyms
 have shown to the audience that they have reached success
due to
Linking Words
 strong determination and hard work, and the public always
recognise
Change the verb form
recognises
show examples
 them for their mastery of arts and great achievements.
For instance
Linking Words
, athletes who have trained rigorously for years and have won medals and trophies deserve to enjoy the fruits of their
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, famous
people
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as movie or sports stars can be role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for young
people
Use synonyms
 in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. In conclusion, I think there are more discerning younger
people
Use synonyms
 than unwise ones. So they are not easily affected by just
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
Use synonyms
; beautiful aura and
wealth
Use synonyms
. They know which one to be emulated and
that is
Linking Words
 the good qualities.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Work on ensuring clarity in your thesis statement. Your introduction has an unclear statement regarding your position, which could confuse readers. E.g., clarify if you agree or disagree with the opinion.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by linking ideas more smoothly. Use transitional phrases better to connect your points. E.g., instead of "On the one hand," try "Firstly," or "Initially," and ensure it ties with the subsequent paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Avoid redundancy and provide more diverse examples to support your points. E.g., the second body paragraph can benefit from more varied examples instead of focusing only on athletes.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples, particularly in showing contrasting types of celebrities and their influences on youth.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly wraps up your argument and reinforces your position well, showing a clear connection to the discussion points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: