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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that modern technology has made shopping today easier, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #technology
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In modern society, there is an ongoing debate about whether recent technologies make many
people
 easier shopping or not, with some
people
 believing shopping is simple because of scientific advancement. In
this
 essay, I will argue and explain my opinion about
this
 topic. On the one hand, scientific advancements enhance many
people
's quality of life.
In particular
, the shopping industry is developed today, and a lot of young
people
 order simple products that they need through apps on smartphones
such
 as clothes, shoes and books.
As a result
, numerous folks' consumption has increased significantly.
For example
,
according to
 the National Statistics Office, in recent years, more than 50% of individuals' consumption has gone up since apps in the shopping industry were invented.
On the other hand
, scientific advancements do not make all folks easier shopping. Elderly
people
 can not adopt several technologies.
Furthermore
, online shops have been experiencing an upward trend. For these reasons, they have problems that they can not find the goods they want to buy.
For instance
, a recent survey has shown that elderly folks' consumption has decreased by 15% point nowadays. In my opinion, there are some positive and negative effects.
However
,
it is clear that
 all
people
 is not easy to shop online and on apps. In conclusion,
while
 it is undeniable that there are some benefits, it is apparent that it depends on who uses technology.
Submitted by garim4645 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but try to elaborate more on each viewpoint. Provide more detailed explanations and support your arguments with stronger examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph logically flows from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your conclusion by summarizing the main points more effectively and clearly stating your stance on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your thesis statement in the introduction clearly outlines your opinion. This will provide a clear roadmap for your essay.
task achievement
Your introduction does a good job of setting up the debate about modern technology and shopping, providing a clear context for the discussion.
task achievement
You've included examples to support your points, which is great. Try to make these examples more specific and directly relevant to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion recognizes the balance between the positive and negative impacts of technology on shopping, which is a nuanced perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • online marketplaces
  • mobile payment options
  • personalized advertising
  • accessibility
  • compare prices
  • decision fatigue
  • impulse buying
  • financial imprudence
  • privacy and data security
  • transformed
  • streamlined
  • user-friendly
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