at the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults,compared with the number of older people. do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays, the population of some countries contain
mush
more young Correct your spelling
much
adults
than older people. This
means that most organizations are running
by Wrong verb form
run
the
young Correct article usage
apply
individuals
. Do the positives of this
situation outweigh its drawbacks? In this
essay
I am going to analyze the major points and try to draw some conclusions.
Let’s start with the advantages. Add a comma
essay,
General
speaking, young Change the word
Generally
adults
are more activated
Replace the word
active
individuals
with higher performance during work
hours. Mostly, people are more ambitious during their earlier ages and they are planning to build a comfortable future for themselves and also
their family.
Secondly
, as the
technology is developing Correct article usage
apply
with
a great pace, younger Change preposition
at
individuals
may be much more open minded
to Add a hyphen
open-minded
learn
how new technologies Wrong verb form
learning
work
. Using new technology in a proper way,
has improved the organizations in Remove the comma
apply
majority
of cases.
Looking at the other side of Correct article usage
the majority
argument
, young Add an article
the argument
an argument
adults
has
Change the verb form
have
lesser
experience Correct word choice
less
versus
older people. Younger Change preposition
than
individuals
may take the wrong action in facing a critical problem due to
lack
of experience. Correct article usage
a lack
This
could have a permanent effect on their work
life.
Another issue is that young ages have lower budget
to expand their career. Fix the agreement mistake
budgets
This
may influence their courage to be an entrepreneur and they turn to choose a safe 9 to 5 job with a stable income and having insurance.
All things considered, some countries are facing with increasing number of young adults
in their whole population. There are pros of active work
units and suitable technology use against the cons of lack of experience and budget. In my opinion, positives
outweigh Correct article usage
the positives
negatives
as most countries Correct article usage
the negatives
would
planning to increase their young Verb problem
are
adults
population. Young ones are much more suitable to build a country’s future.Fix the agreement mistake
adult
Submitted by bahram.azizzade on
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task achievement
The essay provides a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, it would benefit from a clearer thesis statement that directly addresses whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
task achievement
Introduction should be refined for clarity. For instance, replace 'Do the positives of this situation outweigh its drawbacks?' with 'In this essay, I will examine whether the positives of having more young adults than older people in the population outweigh the drawbacks.'
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by using proper connectors and transitions between ideas. For example, use words like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' and 'On the contrary,' to make connections clearer.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured and easy to follow, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
It successfully identifies and discusses both advantages and disadvantages of having more young adults in the population.
task achievement
The language used is appropriate and clear, making the essay easy to read and understand.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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