IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Family members and friends caring for elderly people find it hard to spend enough time looking after them. What are the causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

#members #friends #people #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The given bar chart compares the workforce participation rates of older
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 aged 60-64 in four different countries over a 30-year period. It shows that between 1970 and 2000, the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of older
men
Use synonyms
 decreased significantly in all countries,
while
Linking Words
 the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of older
women
Use synonyms
 remained relatively stable over the same time period.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of elderly
men
Use synonyms
 in 1970 was very high, exceeding 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in all countries.
However
Linking Words
, by 2000, the
employment
Use synonyms
 rates of older
men
Use synonyms
 in Australia, the United States and Belgium had decreased significantly to around 25
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, in 1970, the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of older
women
Use synonyms
 was much lower than that of older
men
Use synonyms
, ranging from 7% to 40%. In 2000, the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of elderly
women
Use synonyms
 remained basically unchanged in Japan and Belgium,
while
Linking Words
 the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force participation of
women
Use synonyms
 significantly increased in Australia and the United States.
Submitted by dulskywork on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the data presented in the bar chart, and the main trends are clearly explained. However, expanding on the causes and implications of these trends would strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical structure, but consider adding an introduction to frame the topic and a conclusion to summarize the main points. These additions will give your essay a more polished and complete feel.
coherence cohesion
Delve deeper into the reasons behind the stable employment rates for older women, and the significant decrease for older men. Providing examples or hypotheses will make your essay more engaging and informative.
task achievement
Your essay effectively identifies and compares the key trends in workforce participation among older men and women across different countries.
task achievement
Your writing is clear and easy to understand, demonstrating a good command of English.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demanding work schedules
  • flexible working hours
  • remote work options
  • geographical distance
  • frequent communication
  • relocation
  • adequate care
  • training programs
  • workshops
  • financial constraints
  • financial assistance programs
  • tax benefits
  • emotional and physical stress
  • support groups
  • respite care services
What to do next:
Look at other essays: